Parks and Recreation

Thursdays 8:30 PM on NBC
Parks and recreation
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So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare in the eye of Satan's butt hole?

Leslie: I knew that you had two ex-wives named Tammy, so I was hoping that there was one you got along with and...
Ron: Nope. Hate 'em both.

On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.

Leslie: Does she have any weaknesses?
Ron: No.
Leslie: What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness.
Ron: Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness.

Ann, do you have any Mounds? Because all I can find are Almond Joys. And almonds give me the squirts.

Leslie: Hey, can I smoke in here?
Ron: You don't smoke.
Leslie: Just askin' if I can.
Ron: Are you high?
Leslie: I'm high on kaboom.

I've established a scientifically perfect, ten-point scale of human beauty. Wendy is a 7.4, which is way too high for Tom, who is a 3.8. 10 is tennis legend Steffi Graf.

You know, Leslie, the Super Bowl is in a couple months. I usually watch it with my brothers, maybe you can come by during halftime and shoot me in the head?

Leslie: We have a criminal emergency on our hands. Someone planted a gateway drug in the community garden.
Ron: Call the cops.
Leslie: Then it will leak to the press. Then there will be an investigation, and they'll find my fingerprints on the manure, and then we'll lose our funding.
Ron: You don't have funding.
Leslie: We never will if this gets out.

Leslie: Ron! Did you get my text?
Ron: No.
Leslie: Did you get my email?
Ron: Mmm.
Leslie: Did you see that I paged you?
Ron: I did not.
Leslie: Did you get my voicemail?
Ron: I didn't.

April: I had to wait until my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys. you ready?
Ron: I was born ready. I'm Ron F*%king Swanson.

Ron: Okay, here's the situation.
Leslie: Your parents went away on a week's vacation and left the keys to the brand new Porsche? I'll just take it for a little spin and maybe show it off to a couple of friends. That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking. I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking. this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh. She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far. I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car. Well parents are the same no matter time nor place, so to you other kids all across the land, no need to worry, parents just don't understand!
Ron: Someone is on fire in Ramsett Park. They need you to get down there right away.

Displaying quotes 241 - 252 of 255 in total

Parks & Rec Quotes

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April

Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as
Eagle One. Ann, code name -- Been There, Don That. April is --
Currently Doing That. Donna is -- It Happened Once in a Dream; Chris,
code name -- If I Had To Pick a Dude. Ben is -- Eagle Two.
Ben: Oh thank God.