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Parks-and-recreation

Leslie, my first wife Tammy tried throwing me a surprise birthday party . When I saw my friends hiding through the window, I drove to a gas station, called the cops and told them people had broken into my home. I'm not big on surprises.

Ann: Hey, Ron. Did we make out last night?
Ron: Good god, woman. No.

What's a not-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?

What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it, and can I watch you do it while eating pork cracklings?

Ron: Leslie, what do we do when we get this angry?
Leslie: We count backwards from 1,000 by sevens and we think of warm brownies.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Ron: I suffer from a disorder called Sleep Fighting.
Leslie: Wow, must be terrible.
Ron: Only when I'm losing.

I have to nap up. If I don't get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.

April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson castle. Instead she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.

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