Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Rose: You can't expect me to go back to what we had without a commitment.
Charlie: "A commitment"?
Rose: I think we should get married.
Charlie: "Married"?
Rose: Sell the house in Malibu and move to a kid-friendly neighborhood here in London.
Charlie: Kids?
Rose: We're going to have kids, aren't we?

Rose: Hey, Charlie, got a minute? I'd like to talk to you privately.
Charlie: Now is not a good time, Rose.
Rose: Will you call me later?
Charlie: Sure.
Rose: Promise?
Charlie: Yeah.
Rose: Cross your heart and hope to die?
Charlie: Yes!
Rose: Stick a needle in your eye.
Charlie: Okay...
Rose: Boil in oil until you fry?
Charlie: Dear God, Rose, I will call you.
Rose: Tootles..
(Rose leaves)
Alan: You're not gonna call her, are you?
Charlie: Nah, I think I'm gonna go with the needle in the eye

Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked

Charlie: Rose, this isn't a Christmas party!
Rose: Then what do you call this?
Charlie: The beginning of a news story that ends with the phrase "And then he turned the weapon on himself"

Rose: Charlie found his boundary.
Berta: It's a miracle.
Rose: A Christmas miracle

Jake: Are you crazy?
Rose: There's several schools of thought on that

Charlie: Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they're best left unfelt.
Rose: It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?
Charlie: Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka

Rose: How cool is it that Steven Tyler moved in next door? I lost my virginity to him.
Charlie: You mean his music.
Rose: No

Alan: Rose.
Rose: Yes, baby.
Alan: You're a stalker.
Rose: We prefer to be called "boundary-challenged"

Rose: This is a side of Alan Harper I've never seen before -- forceful, confident
Alan: Oh, thank you
Rose: I don't like it

Alan: We need to talk about boundaries
Rose: It was just my pinky, Alan
Alan: No, that was fun

Rose: Every time we have sex I can feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head.
Charlie: That's gonna keep me up at night

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 38 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.