I can't believe I have to have feelings to have good sex. I thought I'd be dead before that happened.

Schmidt: Would I have to put my legs in the stirrups?
Melissa: Why would you even ask that?
Schmidt: I'm asking more so out of curiosity than fear. Hashtag, excitement.

You are a gynecologist and a lesbian. This makes you a vagenius.

I feel like our bodies really made something. Like we brought manufacturing jobs back to America.

Schmidt: Look at that plating. It is impeccable.
Big Schmidt: Nice squeeze bottle work there, Bobby Flay.
Schmidt: He is still relevant!
Big Schmidt: Where? Phoenix?

You're getting your scent all over my pillow. It took me months to get rid of that heavenly curry smell.

Schmidt [to Cece]

Jess: Now, if you'll excuse me gentleman, I'm going to go get a job — like it's my...
Schmidt: Job?
Jess: SHUT UP!

We sold our qualms. We used the profits to buy perfect bodies.

There's a fine line between sexual harassment and something awesome.

What am I looking at here? Robbie, man to man, you didn't want to wear something a little more form-flattering, maybe like a pile of towels? Or the number 8?

Schmidt [about Rob's green spandex]

I may not be Abraham Lincoln. But I witnessed the emancipation of one black guy tonight.

Cece: I know you have more costumes in your closet.
Schmidt: Those costumes are for Purim.

New Girl Quotes

Schmidt: Are you in love with me? Because I'm in love with you, deeply. I assume that you would never because I messed this up so many times. You've made it very clear you only want to be friends with me and I value that friendship so much. So it I'm ruining it by doing any of this, please stop me.
Cece: Schmidt. I'm in love with you.

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick