Tuesdays 9:00 PM on FOX
New-girl

Schmidt: I don't know what is allowed in the cold-hearted Republic of Nick Miller, but I do know how I feel. And I know how much you love cookies. And I saw it there behind the glass and thought, "Nick Miller. I'm gonna buy that, man."
Nick: If I could give you that cookie back, I would. Nothing would make me happier than to throw it up, mash it into cookie shape, and shove it down your throat.
Schmidt: You want to mama-bird me the cookie?
Nick: That's not what I-
Schmidt: You want to mama-bird me the cookie. You're not mama-birdin' anybody anything!

Nick: What was that? Did you just grunt at me?
Schmidt: It wasn't a grunt, it was a hrmph.
Nick: A hrmph sounds like this - huh-rumph.
Schmidt: Sorry you took it the wrong way, it was not a grunt.
Nick: Serena Williams, that was a grunt.

Nick: Hey, do you think Jess would be mad if I got a turtle and named it Jess — even though I had that name picked out before she moved in?
Schmidt: A turtle?
Nick: Thinkin' man's best friend, Schmidt-y.
Schmidt: In our home? Over my turtle disease-ridden dead body.

Schmidt: What about the turtle?
Nick: You're the turtle in my life.

If you track my trajectory I'm gonna live to a 123 years old. Hello, Robot Sex.

Winston, you've been staring at this girl for 5 minutes. Please tell me you're checking her out, otherwise you're a serial killer, which would explain a lot.

Nick: Let's just say, we live in a world where time exists. If that's the case-
Schmidt: 1. Marie Antoinette. 2 Cleopatra 3. Young Ann Margret 4. Old Ann Margret -
Nick: Would you shut up, you clown!

Winston, your sister got so hot! I'm gonna have to Shaq attack her! May I have your blessing? Because I'm gonna be like dribbling up the court, illegal sexual foul - boom! Illegal use of hands - boom!

Schmidt: Honey, what happened to you in your life that made you like this?
Shot girl: I graduated from MIT then I got into a horrible accident where I lost half my brain.
Schmidt: There it is.

Can you believe the zoo wouldn't let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, "Look at that guy. He couldn't even get a big cat".

Jess: I got laid off.
Winston: What!?
Nick: Are you serious?
Schmidt: Obama...

Jess: I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen!
Schmidt: Excuse me? Do you think this has been easy? To wash myself wearing a penis cast all summer?

Displaying quotes 109 - 120 of 139 in total

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach
x Close Ad