I can't believe I have to have feelings to have good sex. I thought I'd be dead before that happened.

Schmidt: Would I have to put my legs in the stirrups?
Melissa: Why would you even ask that?
Schmidt: I'm asking more so out of curiosity than fear. Hashtag, excitement.

You are a gynecologist and a lesbian. This makes you a vagenius.

I feel like our bodies really made something. Like we brought manufacturing jobs back to America.

Schmidt: Look at that plating. It is impeccable.
Big Schmidt: Nice squeeze bottle work there, Bobby Flay.
Schmidt: He is still relevant!
Big Schmidt: Where? Phoenix?

You're getting your scent all over my pillow. It took me months to get rid of that heavenly curry smell.

Schmidt [to Cece]

Jess: Now, if you'll excuse me gentleman, I'm going to go get a job — like it's my...
Schmidt: Job?
Jess: SHUT UP!

We sold our qualms. We used the profits to buy perfect bodies.

There's a fine line between sexual harassment and something awesome.

What am I looking at here? Robbie, man to man, you didn't want to wear something a little more form-flattering, maybe like a pile of towels? Or the number 8?

Schmidt [about Rob's green spandex]

I may not be Abraham Lincoln. But I witnessed the emancipation of one black guy tonight.

Cece: I know you have more costumes in your closet.
Schmidt: Those costumes are for Purim.

New Girl Quotes

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick