Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.
Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis.
Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!
Cece: I'm still marrying an Indian guy.
Schmidt: Sure, but you went home with a Jew in a turban. I'm just saying.
Get your crap together, India. Schmidt... out!
Schmidt: Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I've got a twist ending for you: shut up
Cece: You look like a character from The Love Guru.
Schmidt: Aw, thank you.
Schmidt: I don't really know what that accent is.
Schmidt: I speak English. That isn't English.
Nick: Band of Brothers!
Schmidt: Your friendship means nothing to me. Every man for himself!
Schmidt: I'm gonna have sex tonight. Are you two in?
Winston: Is that the way you wanted to say that?
Dammit! Been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It's like a taffy pole on a hot summer's day.
They make shoes for your penis! They're called pants!