Get your crap together, India. Schmidt... out!

Schmidt: Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I've got a twist ending for you: shut up

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Cece: You look like a character from The Love Guru.
Schmidt: Aw, thank you.

Schmidt: I don't really know what that accent is.
CeCe: English.
Schmidt: I speak English. That isn't English.

Nick: Band of Brothers!
Schmidt: Your friendship means nothing to me. Every man for himself!

Schmidt: I'm gonna have sex tonight. Are you two in?
Winston: Is that the way you wanted to say that?

Dammit! Been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It's like a taffy pole on a hot summer's day.

They make shoes for your penis! They're called pants!

Winston said you make fun of my gremlin toenails. That you call them clickety-clacks or centaur boots.

Schmidt: A pogo is what your friends talk about when you leave the room.
Cece: Oh like your barnacle toenails?

I know what my pogo is. It's that I dance like a sea snake.

Winston: I wanted to talk to you about the regrettable contact between Cece's...her down there and my...parts.
Schmidt: You practically shish-kebabed her.

New Girl Quotes

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick