The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXSelma Bouvier Quotes
Selma: What did I miss?
Patty: MacGyver was wearing a tank top!
Selma: Dang!
Sideshow Bob: Well Selma, I thought I was the only man in your life?
Selma: Sit down and shut up!
(vision test at the DMV)
Hans Moleman: A, G, Q, 7.
Selma: Close enough. May you drive safely, and find true love.
Sideshow Bob: Selma, would you mind if I did something bold and shocking in front of your family?
Selma: All right, but no tongues.
Sideshow Bob: Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray, that's not what I had in mind. Selma, will you marry me?
Bart: Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma. That man is scum.
Selma: Then call me Mrs. Scum.
Selma: Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.
Bart: In your bed?
Patty: Uh huh, and I shall warn you, I'm told I snore.
Come on kids! Time to rub Aunt Patty's feet!
(Bart and Lisa shudder)
Marge: Thanks again for taking the children while I'm away.
Selma: Don't worry yourself.
Patty: We've got six months of maternity leave we're never going to use anyway.
Marge: It's Homer!
Patty: I don't know what you see in that ugly meatball!
Selma: Uh huh, If you like being pawed by something fat and lazy, we could get a cat.
Jacqueline: It would leave less hair on the couch!
Selma: Marge, I've got two and a half words for you: Gulp N' Blow.
Selma: (showing slides) And this is Patty trying to plug her leg razor into one of those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets. (next slide, shows Patty's hairy-leg) As you can see, we never did get the hang of it.
Bart: Aye, carumba!
Homer: Patty! Selma! What a pleasant surprise!
Patty: Whaddya know, he's wearing pants!
Selma: I owe you a lunch!
Homer: Oh my god, I don't know jack about my boy! I'm a bad father!
Selma: You're also fat.
Homer: I'm also fat!
(At Moe's, Patty interrupts Selma and Barney's date.)
Selma: Patty, are you throwing away your last chance at happiness just for me?
Patty: Yes.
Selma: Oh. Thanks.
Patty: Now, let's go get some pancakes.
Selma: Uh, listen, Barney, uh... Aah.
(Patty and Selma get up and leave.)
Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. (Sobs)
Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
Barney: (Sees a full pitcher of beer.) Well, what do you know? You're right! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself!
