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Sideshow Bob: Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge.
Homer: I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant!
Sideshow Bob: I'm Wes Doobner!
Homer: Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard and when I go out with my family I expect a certain level of basic--
Sideshow Bob: Shut up!
- Permalink: Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my u...
Sideshow Bob: Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on!(turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally) This time I've made no mistakes.
Lisa: Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."
Sideshow Bob: Yes, I'm sure you've studied the immortal bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover." (leaves and shuts the door)
Lisa: Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.
Sideshow Bob: (re-enters) I shall! (takes the laptop) Come on, Wikipedia. Load, you unwieldy behemoth! laptop explodes Oh, dear. Sideshow Bob, "Hoist on his own petard."
Lisa: It's "hoist with his own petard."
Sideshow Bob: Oh, get a life.
- Permalink: Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, If it were done when 'tis ...
(At Sideshow Bob's trial.)
Sideshow Bob: Your Honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I did try to kill the Simpsons. I truly did.
(The entire courtroom gasps in shock.)
Prosecutor: (to Homer and Marge) Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.
Sideshow Bob: But--
- Permalink: Your Honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I di...
Bart/Lisa: Aah! Sideshow Bob!
Bart: You wrote me those letters!
Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son.
Bob: Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. (evilly) Stay away...forever!
Homer: (quaking) No!
Bob: Wait a minute, that's no good. (Starts to walk away, then runs back) Wait! I've got a good one now. Marge, say, "Stay away from my son," again.
Marge: (angrily) No!
Bob: (groaning) Oh...
- Permalink: Aah! Sideshow Bob! You wrote me those letters! You awful man...
Homer: Hey kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch?
Sideshow Bob: (from under the car) No!
Homer: Well, two against one.
- Permalink: Hey kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Yeah! Yeah!...
Man: Now don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, VERY persuasive. (reloads his gun)
(Scene change to a bar)
Man: (whining) C'mon, leave town!
Man: I'll be your friend?
Man: Aw, you're mean!
- Permalink: Now don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this...
Lawyer: What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die, Bart, Die"?
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The".
- Permalink: What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say Die, Bart, ...
Bob: Bart Simpson, that mischeivous little scamp that twice sent me to that dank urine soaked hellhole.
Parole Officer: Uh...We object to the term "urine soaked hellhole," when you could of used "peepee soaked heckhole."
Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
- Permalink: Bart Simpson, that mischeivous little scamp that twice sent me t...
Bob: The greatest murder since Snape killed Dumbledore.
Bart: Oh I haven't gotten to that part yet.
Bob: It's a 4 year old book!
Bart: I'm a slow reader.
Bob: A fitting epitaph... it means last words.
Bob: Are you here to teach me or kill me?
- Permalink: The greatest murder since Snape killed Dumbledore. Oh I haven'...
Selma: What did I miss?
Patty: MacGyver was wearing a tank top!
Sideshow Bob: Well Selma, I thought I was the only man in your life?
Selma: Sit down and shut up!
- Permalink: What did I miss? MacGyver was wearing a tank top! Dang! We...
Sideshow Bob: Selma, would you mind if I did something bold and shocking in front of your family?
Selma: All right, but no tongues.
Sideshow Bob: Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray, that's not what I had in mind. Selma, will you marry me?
Bart: Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma. That man is scum.
Selma: Then call me Mrs. Scum.
- Permalink: Selma, would you mind if I did something bold and shocking in fr...
Homer: Ooh, appetizers!
Sideshow Bob: Well Homer, what should we serve?
Homer: Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look, and they come with this delicious red sauce, it looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup.
- Permalink: Ooh, appetizers! Well Homer, what should we serve? Well, you...