She gets dinner in Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and no beer and not laid. How could this get any... [alligator murmurs] LET ME FINISH... worse. You ruined it. You ruined the moment.

• Permalink: She gets dinner in Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: Judging from the decor, I'm guessing Spelvin has one of those kick ass Japanese soaking tubs.
Cyril: After all that you want to take a bath?
Archer: Do you not?

• Permalink: Judging from the decor, I'm guessing Spelvin has one of those ki...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: I've been treating my cancer with sugar pills!?
Krieger: You didn't think it was weird your chemo drugs were chewable?
Archer: Little kids get cancer.

• Permalink: I've been treating my cancer with sugar pills!? You didn't thi...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Hmm. Cock flavored spit? Well you never know what's gonna be on the board! Let me see cock-flavored spit!

• Permalink: Hmm. C**k flavored spit? Well you never know what's gonna be on...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: You realize you're in huge trouble.
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: And now I have to spend my first Friday off in like forever...
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: ...devising some bizarre punishment for you.
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: So don't be suprised if you find yourself eating a whole bunch of spiderwebs.

• Permalink: You realize you're in huge trouble. Yes, sir. And now I hav...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: Take the suits to my tailor and the shoes to my shoemaker.
Cyril: You have a shoemaker?
Archer: Do you not?

• Permalink: Take the suits to my tailor and the shoes to my shoemaker. You...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Hostage: Do you have any have any idea who our boss is?
Archer: Nope, but 100 people surveyed. Number one answer's on the board. Name the douchebag who's in charge.
Hostage: Vincent van Gogh fuck yourself.
Archer: Hmm? Vincent van Gogh fuck myself? Survey says?

• Permalink: Do you have any have any idea who our boss is? Nope, but 100 p...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: Oh my God! You killed a hooker!
Cyril: Call girl! She was a-
Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead they're just hookers!

• Permalink: Oh my God! You killed a hooker! Call girl! She was a- No Cyr...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: Lana, did you see my scarf?
Lana: Yes, Archer. I saw your scarf.
Archer: All my hair fell out.
Lana: I'm sorry.
Archer: Me too. It was my fifth best feature.

• Permalink: Lana, did you see my scarf? Yes, Archer. I saw your scarf. ...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: Can you put it in a person's brain?
Krieger: It'd suffocate.
Archer: Not the rabbit, you idiot - the chip.
Krieger: Oh yes, absolutely.
Archer: Without killing the person?
Krieger: Oh... maybe?

• Permalink: Can you put it in a person's brain? It'd suffocate. Not the ...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: Your stance. You're fighting yourself.
Rona: Excuse me?
Archer: You're all rigid and stiff. Which I'm all for. Rim shot.

• Permalink: Your stance. You're fighting yourself. Excuse me? You're al...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

That so hard? Count Snackula.

• Permalink: That so hard? Count Snackula.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0