Family Guy

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(Stewie drags in a wagon full of weapons)
Brian: What are you doing?
Stewie: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me. When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her finger nails. Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed.
Brian: Okay.
Stewie: Then I'm going to make her crawl on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back.
Brian: Uh, and then what are you going to do?
Stewie: Uhh, let's see.
Brian: You gonna shower her off after all that candle wax?
Stewie: No, I'm gonna keep her filthy!
Brian: Yeah, she's been a bad girl
Stewie: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brazier.
Brian: (laughs)
Stewie: What?
Brian: No, no nothing, nothing. That's all part of your diabolical plan to...humiliate her.
Stewie: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated.
Brian: Maybe you'll handcuff her, she'll hate that.
Stewie: Then I shall do that as well.
Brian: And call her a bitch.
Stewie: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop.
Stewie: Yes, and then-- what?
Brian: No I mean that would like, t-- that would show her.
Stewie: Are y-? You're getting some kind of sick sexual thrill off of this aren't you?!
Brian: Who cares?! You're not gonna kill her anyway. You're gonna bitch and moan, and then you're gonna do what you always do. The minute Lois walks through that door you're gonna forget all about it, beg for your apple juice, go poop and fall asleep.

Peter: ...besides we're not hurting anybody.
Lois: What are you talking about?! You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house.
(Stewie looking out forlornly from the open wall of his room)
Stewie: What is this?! There's something wrong with the house... I don't like change.

Joe: All right, we're gonna do it once more!
(everyone else groans in agony)
Joe: And this time, NO MISTAKES! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!
(Cleveland begins playing the piano, while the others dance)
Peter, Joe and Quagmire: (singing) Good mornin', good mornin'!
Cleveland: It's great to stay up late!
Peter, Joe and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin', to you!
Peter: When the band began to play,
The stars were shinin' bright!
Quagmire: But now the milkman's on his way.
It's too late to say good night!
Joe: (screaming at Quagmire) SO SAY GOOD MORNIN'!!!!!!
Quagmire: AHH! (starts sobbing) Good mornin'!
(everyone continues dancing)
Sunbeams will soon smile through.
Peter, Joe and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin', to you!
(the song ends, but Stewie pops out from behind the couch and continues by himself)
Stewie: Nothin' could be grander than to be in Louisiana!
In the mornin', in the mor- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

Meg, lend me twenty-five cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside and make the immigrant kids jealous.

Brian: She's gone. Jillian's gone.
Stewie: Look Brian, I know you're upset now, but I think it's important to see things in perspective. Remember when Alex P. Keaton lost his girlfriend, and then he got another one and everything was alright? And then he got Parkinson's...yikes.

Herbert: Well OshKosh B'gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying.
Stewie: Piss off you perverted old freak.
Herbert: Oh, we got a fighter.

Brian: (answers door) Stewie, hey, what's up?
Stewie: Oh, I was just on my way back from the cobbler. Figured before I stopped by the apothecary I'd come here, and then its off to the haberdasher. These turn of the century business jokes doing anything for ya?
Brian: Not really.
Seamus: (to Stewie, from down the hall) Did ya use the jokes?
Stewie: Yeah, they're not landing.
Seamus: (groans)

Stewie: Oh, Vince Vaughn is on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Here's my summary of every Vince Vaughn movie: Oh, I'm incapable of loving another person. Oh wait, no I'm not. The end.

(Power goes out, the whole family gasps)
Lois: Oh my god, the power's out.
Chris: What are we gonna do now?
Brian: Well, we could light some candles and read.
(rest of the family pauses before breaking out in laughter)
Chris: Yeah right.
Stewie: Yeah that'd be great.
Peter: Yeah, read the inside of my butt.

Lois (Leia): Governor Tarkin. I smelled your stench as soon as we were brought on board.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Um, actually, that's me. I made a Darth Doodie.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Princess Leia, we've decided to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan.
Lois (Leia): NO!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): She said no. Should we still do it?
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yes.

I have you now, young Skywalker. And with today's gas prices, not a moment too soon!

Death Star Officer 1: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So no weaknesses at all, huh?
Death Star Officer 1: N- (considers) no.
Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Death Star Officer 1: No, it's virtually indestructable, like 99.99 percent.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh...OK, wouldn't be doin' my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, I- I mean, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, uh, the station blows up.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds like a pretty big design flaw there.
Death Star Officer 1: No, no, no the hole's only two meters across.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Death Star Officer 1: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's not a big deal.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, that would look terrible! I mean, we got to think about re-sale.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Re-sale? Wh-what are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up.
Death Star Officer 1: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale, nor has it-
(Vader begins choking him with the Force)
Stewie (Darth Vader): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
Death Star Officer 1: (choking) There's nothing to do downtown!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him.
Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish. (releases the officer, who collapses on the table, gasping for air) All right, so we gonna plug up that hole?
Death Star Officer 2: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Eyuuuuh...
Death Star Officer 2: We'll get estimates.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yeah, get estimates, yeah ha, yeah, yeah ha ha, yeah.

Displaying quotes 169 - 180 of 414 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley