Susan Sarandon: Hi, I'm Susan Sarandon. A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother, but I'm actually his girlfriend. And this is Stewie. Stewie: What the deuce?
Susan Sarandon: For less then a ticket price for one of my movies about capital punishment or neo-feminism, you can make sure Stewie never goes hungry again.
Stewie: Yes, and from the look of those sweater cows, so could you

Lois: Jump in, sweetie! The turtle will protect you!
Stewie: I'm supposed to entrust my life to a turtle?! Nature's "D" student?

I don't suppose you have any valium on you? Of course not, you're leading the straight life now

Brian: Well, well, looks like you're in love.
Stewie: Ha! That's so funny I forgot to laugh...excluding that first "ha!"
Brian: Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.
Stewie: Aha! Her eyes are green!
Brian: Aha! Thanks for proving my point.
Stewie: Damn!

Stewie: You remember that episode of the Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life and Greg became his slave?
Brian: Yeah.
Stewie: Good. It's on tonight. Tape it for me, and put a nice label on it

Stewie: Go on, hot wire it!
Brian: Hot wire? I don't even pump my own gas.

Brian [at mom's funeral]: Say something.
Stewie: What?
Brian: Just say something please.
Stewie: For god's sake. Um... "Yea, and God said on to Abraham, 'You will kill your son Isaac'. And Abraham said, 'I can't hear you, You'll have to speak into the microphone.' And God said, 'Oh, I'm sorry. Is this better? Check, Check, Check. Jerry pull the high end out I'm, getting some hiss back here.'"
Brian: Say something about my mother!
Stewie: Oh yes, I'm sorry. I never knew Biscuit as a Dog, but I did know her as a table. She was sturdy, all four legs the same length...
Brian: Thanks. That's enough.
Stewie: Yes. Requiem in Terra Pax, and so forth. Amen

Brian: Listen kid, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.
Stewie: Ugh, you're not coming out of the closet, are you? Why does everyone always come out to me?

Betty: Is that Brian? Oh, and you brought a little friend. Well, I bet you're a hungry little fella.
Stewie: Yes, I bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull. Now change me!

There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore

Peter: Hey Stewie. I see your bum.
Stewie: Well take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I have something to bring with me to court, you wretched pervert

Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calendar. Ah ha ha ha. Oh, that's right. I went there

Family Guy Quotes

Chris: Mr. Woods. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Oh Chris, I'm your father, call me "dad".
Chris: Um, okay, dad. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Well, there's a number of ways Chris. Uh, for example, Kate Moss and I had the same coke supplier, and he threw a punch social one day, and we both happened to be there, and the next thing you know, we're both in the back room, slam bang. I went bareback, babe.
Chris: Wow, she sounds like a class act.
James Woods: No, not at all Chris. No, not at all.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)