Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges, Stewie. Here, hold this bag for Mommy.
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting, Lois, leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know, I just might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson! [attempts to put bag on his head, but fails because it's too large] Here I go, just like that boy from INXS. I'm going to do it...I'm going to do it... [quits] Blast! Good lord, woman, either I was a C-section, or you're Wonder Woman.

I haven't seen one female baby since we got here. This place is a sausage fest.

Peter, Peter! There's so much doodie in here.. I can't take it anymore.... I haven't eaten in four days cause... I just can't fit anymore in there. Help me.

Brian: Wait a sec, just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog?
Stewie: Just a stray.
Brian: ....Thank You.

Lois: That's a great idea, maybe you can join PETA.
Peter: Join me for what?
Lois: No, PETA, the organization.
Peter: What organization?
Lois: PETA.
Peter: what?
Lois: PETA is an acronym, Peter.
Peter: No I'm not, I'm Catholic.
Stewie: Are we really doing this?

Brian: I can't believe our society values the life of a dog less than a human. It's infuriating.
Stewie: That is infuriating. Maybe you should go bark at a tree and then chew on your balls for an hour.

Stewie [on the phone]: You're the new housekeeper aren't you?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie: I don't want to point fingers but I'm missing about thousand dollars of play money.
Consuela: I take.
Stewie: What? You took it?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie: Then give it back.
Consuela: Come get it, bitch.

Oh Mr. Swanson is sleep crawling again.

Why's she wearing make up like she's going out? Is this going out for them?

Displaying quotes 298 - 306 of 411 in total