Dear journal, I speak to you now not as Sue Sylvester, world class coach and educatrix, but as Sue Sylvester, freelance champion.

At the risk of stepping out of character, I brought donuts to calm everyone's frayed nerves.

[to Blaine] Well, I hope you're ready for some form-fitting polyester, gay Clark Kent from season one of Smallville. Because it looks like you're going to be the bottom of my Cheerios pyramid after all.

It's time to perfect my Nicki Minaj where the hell did that come from cuckoo for cocoa puffs crazy pants threat.

Blaine: I'm not rejoining the Cheerios.
Sue: Oh you most certainly are. Or something unfortunate will most likely be happening to you extremely soon.

Today is the day we honor St. Valentine, a man publicly beheaded for defying his government, by exchanging candies and chocolates to nonsensically render the objects of our affection more fat and less attractive.

Emma: Um, Sue, I feel really scared. I feel really overwhelmed. I feel like I can't think straight. I'm just really, really worried that this isn't going to work.
Sue: Well, of course it isn't going to work. You're a weird bird lady with a hollow pelvis and OCD. And Will Schuester is a weepy man-child whose greatest joy in life is singing with children. And his best friend? 19.

Santana: Look, please don't tell my mom.
Sue: Oh, I can't. I don't speak Spanish.

[to Santana] What is with you glee club ex-pats? Don't you have jobs. You have to have some source of income so you can pay the staff of scientists who service your teleporters that you all clearly on since you're constantly showing up here.

Finn: I seem to recall a rumor about a certain cheerleading coach at this school who once took horse estrogen and posed for Penthouse back in the day. So maybe I can just track that down and make a few copies and sell those to raise money for Regionals.
Sue: That's nothing but a rumor. But if that rumor were true, my Penthouse centerfold so groundbreaking that it completely redefined the term 'hirsute,' and gave birth unto these United States a pose so limber they named it the Regal American Not-So-Bald Spread Eagle, I promise you, my friend, you would never find it.

Millie: I wanted to say thank you for what you did for Marley and me.
Sue: I have no idea what you're talking about. I had nothing to do with the making of that film.

I've seen your true colors, Finn Hudson. You've got hate in that heart, Double Stuff. And probably also frosting.

Glee Quotes

[to Kurt] You know, these Mounds bars are delicious, but you have to eat them. If you just hold them in your hand hoping that you might get to eat them one day, they're going to melt and you'll look like somebody just pooped in your hand. Don't let waiting for things to maybe work out with Blaine turn you into the guy who looks like somebody just pooped in their hand.

Brittany

Blaine: Where's the bed?
Brittany: I removed it because when I imagined you two having sex I imagined a U-haul mounting a moped.