Scrubs

Ted Buckland Quotes

Ted: Dr. Cox, did you hear that I'm quitting?
Dr. Cox: I did, Ted, and I don't know how to pretend to care.
Ted: Understandable.
Dr. Kelso: Theodore, I always figured that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.
Ted: Yeah, that was the dream.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kelso: Methinks it's quitting time. Goodnight, Gooch. Ted.
Ted: That's it? I've been your whipping for eight years and all I get before I disappear forever is a wet clammy handshake? And, yes, I know that's from my hand not yours. And, yes, I know we've never really been friends. And, yes, I know the Gooch is way too attractive for me. I know that's not relevant right now, but it's always on my mind. [to Gooch]: Please don't leave me for a baritone.
Gooch: I won't.
Kelso: Ted, I'm so hammered right now all I can think of is those thirty cent hot dogs at the gas station, so wrap it up.
Ted: You owe me more than a handshake.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kelso: You have the voice of an angel.
Ted and Gooch: Aww, thank you.
Kelso: Not you, Ted.
Kelso: If I were ten years younger, and you were tens year younger.
Ted: It's too late, sir, I already tapped it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: The Gooch and I are gonna take some time off and tour the country.
Gooch: We've written a song for every state.
Cox: I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to hell.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: This salad taste like sun screen
Janitor: That's because you put sun screen on it
Ted [tastes face]: Ahh! I put ranch on my face!
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Gooch and I are going to hold off on the babies. We've only known each other a week. Plus, with all the cycling, apparently I've done a real number on my sperm
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: I'm not what you call a winner... sure I'm a lawyer but that's only becaus I took the bar exam in Alaska and they only have like four laws and most of them are when you can and cannot kill... seals.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

J.D.: We found you in the park throwing rocks at old couples...
Ted: Why should they be happy!?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Hey, Mr. Valentine. I re-did your will on a computer. And to make it less depressing, I used a fun font.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Maddox: (Looking in Ted's briefcase) Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well...one's in case I get sad and...the other one's in case I get really sad.
Dr. Maddox: Well! See you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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