Jordan: What's going on?
Ted: I love you too dumpling, but I have to work late. I'll make it up to you this weekend.
Dr. Cox: Ted's on the phone with his mom, so we're taking five.

Dr. Cox: Since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you is going to have to help him go through the claims deciphered for the medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny peanut brain. Ted, how many times did I insult you during that speech, I was shooting for five?
Ted: Only three unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult but my mom calls me that and she loves me, right?
Dr. Cox: No Ted, she hates you. Four. Since Ted has no life and that is five.

Ted: What's a "Buckland"?
Dr. Cox: It is a predominately hairless growth that is never found on women.
Ted: Weird.
Dr. Cox: It's your last name Ted.
Ted: Good one!

Ted: Hey Carla, did you hear the lottery's up to a hundred million? If I win that baby it's separate beds for me and my mum!
Carla: Yeah, and you could spend the other 99.999.000 on therapy!

Ted: My band has decided we're only singing songs from classic movies now.
J.D.: Ted, I'm a little busy, ok? (Shows his hands which is filled with blood) Toodles.

Ted: Gather round, people! Dr. Kelso has an announcement to make!
Dr. Kelso: That'll be all, Ted. You can go back to doing whatever you were doing.
Ted: It was my day off.

Ted: Those two new nurses have wonderful breasts.
Todd: Hey! They have names! (Pointing at each breast): Tina, Marge; Sloppy, and Mr. Snuggles.
Laverne: Sloppy's bigger than Mr. Snuggles.

Dr. Kelso: You're gonna love it here, sport.
Ted: Get out while you still can.
Keith: Uh...
Ted: Seriously, get out while you still can.

Ted: If you need some happy pills, they're in the top drawer.
Jordan: In this hell-hole, I'll need a gun!
Ted: Bottom left.

Dr. Kelso: Welcome aboard! This will be your office for the next few days! Ted, find someplace else to work.
Ted: Aw, man! Not again!

Dr. Kelso: No, I'm here because the budget's a mess. Ted's not making much headway.
Ted: Three-twelve times four-eighty-one equals... Sir, it's not giving me the answer!
Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass!

J.D.: Yes. Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney. Sharp as a tack.
Ted: Mark my words, Jake! We're gonna take every last cent you have!
J.D.: No, no, Ted, we're on his side.
Ted: Oh. Here's my card.
Jake: This is a post-it.
Ted: I don't get real cards until I win a case.
J.D.: Go take a nap, Ted.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 116 in total

Scrubs Quotes

Check it, I put orange soda in my IV bag, I'm like a hamster yo.

Cole

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

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