Scrubs

Ted Buckland Quotes (Page 9)

Dr. Kelso: Okay, everyone, listen up: It came to my attention that Dr. Brogan here has been moonlighting over at County Medical. Now, if he were to kill someone over there, great; but if he were to make a mistake here because of how tired he was from working at his other job, then my hospital would be liable. So, Ted, why don't you tell everyone what my policy on moonlighting is.
Ted: No... moonlighting.
Dr. Kelso: Now, Dr. Brogan will be suspended without pay for one week, but on the plus side, he gets to run around in my backyard wearing a foam suit so I can see if my dog Baxter's attack classes were worth the money!
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: Okay, I paged Dr. Kelso. Do you feel confident about this, Ted?
Ted: I'm not sure. I don't know what confidence feels like.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Sir, about Nurse Espinosa and Dr. Reid's suspensions, really there aren't any grounds to punish them for moonlighting, because they weren't working with people - just animals.
Dr. Kelso: "Just animals"? Oh, please, this dog is smarter than most people. He's definitely smarter than you.
Ted: Sir, I don't think-
Dr. Kelso: Baxter, sit!
Baxter sits
Dr. Kelso: Ted, sit!
Ted sits
Carla: Ted, you don't have to!
Ted: Shut up! I can win this!
Dr. Kelso: Baxter, speak!
Baxter barks
Dr. Kelso: Ted, speak!
Ted: Hellooooooooo!
Dr. Kelso: Baxter, left foot!
Baxter raises his left paw
Dr. Kelso: Ted, left hand!
Ted raises his right hand
Elliot: Left hand, Ted.
Lawyer: Hellooooooooooo!
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Kelso: Why are you here?
Elliot: My boyfriend is in New Zealand for six months, and if I don't moonlight, then I'm never gonna have enough money to see him.
Carla: My wedding's costing twice as much as I thought it would, and I need the extra cash.
Ted: Baxter won't get out of my chair.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: So, you're engaged to that surgeon guy?
Carla: Mm-hmm.
Ted: Is it serious?
Carla: No, Ted. We swing.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Kelso: Perry, great news: I managed to swing it so that you get to go over to the state pen. today and do the annual inmates' physicals!
Dr. Cox: Well, hell's bells, Bobbo, if you want to fire me, just do it!
Dr. Kelso: I would, but even though this room was quite crowded when you sucker-punched me, apparently nobody saw it happen.
Ted snickers under his breath and Kelso glares at him.
Ted: Uh, saw what happen, sir?
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: I know what you're doing, sir - the whole "keep us scared" thing. Grrrrrr! Heh! I am okay with it.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, even if you hadn't just missed blinding me earlier, I still would've picked you to crap on. See, you're easily startled, you're constantly overwhelmed, and while you work as hard as anyone here, you're still struggling to break into the middle of the pack! I chose you because I am hoping that you will ask yourself - really ask yourself - if there isn't some other profession you might be better suited for. In the meantime, be a doll a re-suture that wound.
Ted: Wanna get a beer later?
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Dr. Reid, I'm afraid that nothing you've described constitutes harassment.
Dr. Kelso: Swing and a miss, eh, Dr. Reid! Well, the next time you decide to make a stink over nothing, maybe you should see a lawyer who didn't need five tries to pass the bar exam!
Ted: I have stress-induced dyslexia, and you know that, Dr... Oslek.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Okay, gang! Before we begin, Dr. Kelso wants me to remind you of the legal ramifications of all your teensy snafus.
Dr. Kelso: "Teensy snafus"?!? Good God, Ted, it's not a Dr. Seuss story! Now, listen up, nametags! Over fifty percent of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication. To that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations. My first invitee will be Dr. Murphy, whom I recently overheard telling someone, "Stop bleeding, stop bleeding, oh, God, please stop bleeding."
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: See, Dr. Cox, this is, uh, the sort of hostile behavior that can cause us legal difficulty.
Dr. Cox: Ted! I just might rip that tie off your neck and jam it down your esophagus.
Ted: I think you proved at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party that that doesn't solve anything.
 • Rating: Unrated

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