How I Met Your Mother

Ted Mosby Quotes (Page 15)

Lily [about breaking people up]: I've gone legit I'm done with that racket, I'm now a matchmaker
Ted: Set me up with someone
Lily: Woh, I'm just starting out
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Ted: They're killing each other!
Lily: They love each other.
Ted: Barney and Robin love each other, but they're not Barney and Robin anymore. They're the fat guy and the old lady.
Marshall: My favorite '70s detective show!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Robin [about their old neighbors bagpiping]: They're old?
Ted: Really old
Robin: So what did you do?
Ted: I didn't have the heart to tell them to stop, because, hey, good for them. So I just sat down, had a hard candy, nodded politely at some racist comments and left
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Barney: Robin and I have been keeping track of how many beds we've had sex in. We've had sex in 83 and a half beds
Ted: A half?
Barney: 19th century ottoman in an antique space
 • Rating: Unrated

Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous. I can't believe these two are still bagpiping
Ted: Enough! It's been six hours1 It must be that new tantric bagpiping that Sting is into
Robin: She keeps yelling at him to play the bigpipes louder, but it sounds like she's bagpiping him pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park
Ted: You have neighbors, so shut the bagpipes up!
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted [about him and Marshall]: We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in water bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: 'Twas the night before this one, and hours to kill
I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill
A busty young lassie flashed me a grin
Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin."
She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed!"
"I must have you!" she moaned, "I'm turned on by tweed!"
With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon,
We fell to the couch, and bro, it was on.
I unlaced her bodice, our passions grew deeper,
And thus ends the tale of The Sexless Innkeeper.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?
Barney: Maybe, but they're Armani!
 • Rating: 4.9 / 5.0

Random Girl: How's grading?
Ted: You just gotta make it fun, every time I see a grammatical error, I do a shot. Right now I'm smashed and I blame the public school system.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted [to Robin]: I've seen barney try really hard to get women, I've seen barney try really hard to get rid of women, but I've never seen barney try so hard to keep a woman
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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