How I Met Your Mother

Ted Mosby Quotes (Page 23)

Robin: Hey, can you hand me a Kleenex?
Ted: Actually, Kleenex is a brand. This is a facial tissue.
 • Rating: Unrated

[Ted is discussing his girlfriend Cathy]
Barney: Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I wanted to have sex with, Lucilia. On a white sand beach in Rio de Janiero, we made love for ten straight hours. When we were done, she applauded, and told me that I was far far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in god.
Ted: What does this have to do with Cathy?
Barney: Who's Cathy?
 • Rating: 4.8 / 5.0

Robin: I know what they were fighting about and it wasn't peanut butter.
Ted: I appreciate it, but there's a reason your name is Robin, not Batman.
Robin: They were fighting because they didn't get the loan and it's all Lily's fault.
Ted: What?
Robin: Yeah, she has a pile of debt the size of Mount... Rushmore.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: There was a fight here.
Barney: What do you mean?
Ted: Whenever Marshall and Lily have a big argument, they always leave a trail of evidence all over the apartment.
Robin: Oh, God, here we go. He had a detective club as a kid.
Ted: Uh, the Mosby Boys cracked a lot of big cases.
Robin: The Mosby Boys? You mean you and your sister?
Ted: We solved the mystery of the missing retainer.
Robin: Let me guess: it was in the garbage?
Ted: Why are you like this?
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: I met a girl last night. So perky and full of life and not at all fake.
Ted: You're talking about her boobs, right?
Barney: C. And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. What up?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

[flashback to when Marshall met Barney]
Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her.
[Lily walks in the bar]
Barney: How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think Ted, should I go for it?
Ted: Don't do it, man, think about Lily?
Marshall: You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Barney: Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!
[Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar]
Barney: Poor guy's gonna crash and burn.
[Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.]
Barney: That man is a god.
 • Rating: Unrated

Robin: What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...
Ted (voiceover): But she's afraid of commitment.
Lily (voiceover): But she's a gun nut.
Barney (voiceover): But she's... Canadian.
Marshall (voiceover): But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.
All: I can't think of anything.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Is the aggregate age of all participants under 83?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Is the aggregate weight of all participants under 400 pounds?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Theodore Mosby... are you paying these women?
Ted: What? No!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: They're old sorority sisters.
Lily: Are they Betas? Cause they're all sluts and you can tell them I didn't wanna be in their sorority, anyway!
Ted: They're Kappas.
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: Stinson.
Ted: Okay, the beers are here.
Barney: Yeah, we're not gonna make it.
Ted: Oh, come on! We agreed!... Did Marshall take his pants off?
Barney: Yep, pants are off.
Marshall: This is Wimbledon, Ted! I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide! Cheerio!
 • Rating: Unrated

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