How I Met Your Mother

Ted Mosby Quotes (Page 25)

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Barney...
Barney: This isn't Barney. ...but I hear that guy's awesome. All right. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one, put on the suit. Number two, meet me at MacLaren's in an hour.
Ted: How will I know who to look for since we've never met?
Barney: ...I look like Barney.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Robin: Oh, my God. You've been robbed.
Ted: Nope. Just got rid of all my old girlfriend stuff.
Robin: All that stuff was from your exes? Didn't you buy any stuff of your own?
Ted: What can I say? Papi got swag.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Ted: Virtually.
Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Lily: Sartorial?
Barney: Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marshall: But just to make sure it records, maybe we should bow our heads and say a quiet prayer to the TiVo gods.
Ted: Almighty TiVo, We thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of god-like. And let's not forget fast-forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, o magic box, but if you malfunction and miss the Super Bowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats.
Marshall and Ted: Amen.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Robin: You know what? You gave it away too early. You're an "I love you" slut.
Ted: Yeah, well you're an "I love you" prude. You know what? I'm taking mine back.
Robin : You can't do that!
Ted : Just did. In fact, I'm giving it away, because I'm a slut.
Ted [to a stranger]: Hey, I love you.
Stranger : Thanks, man! I came in here to jump. I really needed that.
 • Rating: Unrated

Robin: I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have help me talk her out of it.
Marshall: A speech to talk a girl out of sex...
Ted: ...yeah I don't have any of those.
Barney: Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.
Robin: Please I'm her older sister I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions
Lily: It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.
Robin: That's why I need your help!
 • Rating: Unrated

[after Ted tells Barney what he called Lily]
Barney: Ted Vivian Mosby!
Ted: That's not my middle name..
Barney: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Ted: Like you've never said that word?
Barney: I don't kiss your mother with my mouth, yet...
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marshall: Oh, poor me. I get to order yummy pink drinks with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like but can't order because they'll be made fun of.
Ted: Dude
Marshall: They're delicious!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: You are driving me crazy. No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong.
Robin: He moved there for business!
 • Rating: Unrated

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