How I Met Your Mother

Ted Mosby Quotes (Page 26)

Barney: Fine, if you wanna know what Robin's secret is...
Ted: You know??!
Barney: Of course I know. She couldn't look at us. Her face got flushed. That's shame, my friend. Our friend Robin used to do porn....wait for it....ography!
Ted: Yea, we didn't really need to wait for that. And it's ridiculous!
Lily: I don't know. He could be right. She does have the fake orgasm noises down.
Ted: Hey!
Lily: What? The walls are thin.
Ted: That's not what I'm 'hey'-ing you about.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.
Marshall: The "Ohhh..." moment?
Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: You're scared of the seven dwarves?
Robin: Just of Doc. He's creepy... I mean, the guy went to medical school, what is he doing living with six coalminers
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: She's got the..'Crazy Eyes'.
Ted: Dude...the eyes...they're CRAZY.
Marshall: What are you guys talking about, the 'Crazy Eyes'?
Barney: It's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi.
Ted: Nope, just pupils.
Barney: It's an indicator of future mental instability
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Hey dude, by the way, I really like that suit. Tell me about the fabric; is it foreign or something?
Barney: Wow...it is foreign. I'm impressed, Ted! It's Moroccan, actually.
Ted: Whoa...
[Carl interrupts from the bar]
Carl: I've got a phone call for Swarley. Is there a Swarley here?
Barney: You weren't interested in my suit at all, were you?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted [commenting on Marshall's Pumpkin Latte joke]: Alright, there's only two reasons she'd laugh at that: one, it's the first joke she's ever heard, or two, she likes you! You should totally ask her out.
Marshall: You think?
Ted: Yea! That's why you're not back with Lily, right? So you can experience what it's like to be single.
Marshall: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes it on all the cups?
Ted: Mine says Ted. No heart.
Barney: Mine says S..Sw...Swarley. How'd they get "Swarley" from 'Barney'? Who would ever be called Swarley?
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: So I guess that decides it.
Marshall: Yep.
Barney: Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
Ted: ...Hey, what's that?
Marshall: What?
Ted: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name! Somebody has a crush on you!
Barney: [in a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lily [talking about Mr. Druthers]: He was mean. And that's why I took away his ball.
Ted: What's the ball have to do with anything?
Lily: Druthers have to be taught he can't behave like that. When I was teaching kindergarten, whenever a kid was mean, I would take away one of his toys. The kid would be upset at first but then he'd learn to stop being mean.
Robin: Hey guys, what's going on?
Ted: Lily stole my boss's baseball signed three times by Pete Rose.
Robin: Why? Was he being mean?
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Lily, question for you, why did I find Mr. Druthers's baseball signed three times by Pete Rose in your desk drawer?
Lily: That's easy, I took it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Druthers: Oh my god! It's gone!
Ted: What? What's gone?
Mr. Druthers: My baseball signed three times by Pete Rose.
Ted: Well, It's gotta be around here some where..
Mr. Druthers: What do you think Ted? It just let itself out of it's plastic case and rolled away? Somebody stole it!
Ted: Well, better get back to these styrofoam trees.
Mr. Druthers: Who cares about the trees? It's just busy work to make you feel like you're contributing.
Ted: Inspiring as always
 • Rating: Unrated

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