Robin [about their old neighbors bagpiping]: They're old?Ted: Really old
Robin: So what did you do?
Ted: I didn't have the heart to tell them to stop, because, hey, good for them. So I just sat down, had a hard candy, nodded politely at some racist comments and left
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Barney: Robin and I have been keeping track of how many beds we've had sex in. We've had sex in 83 and a half beds
Ted: A half?
Barney: 19th century ottoman in an antique space
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Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous. I can't believe these two are still bagpiping
Ted: Enough! It's been six hours1 It must be that new tantric bagpiping that Sting is into
Robin: She keeps yelling at him to play the bigpipes louder, but it sounds like she's bagpiping him pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park
Ted: You have neighbors, so shut the bagpipes up!
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Ted [about him and Marshall]: We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in water bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe
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Ted: 'Twas the night before this one, and hours to kill
I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill
A busty young lassie flashed me a grin
Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin."
She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed!"
"I must have you!" she moaned, "I'm turned on by tweed!"
With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon,
We fell to the couch, and bro, it was on.
I unlaced her bodice, our passions grew deeper,
And thus ends the tale of The Sexless Innkeeper.
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Ted: Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?
Barney: Maybe, but they're Armani!
• Show: How I Met Your Mother • Rating: 9.7 / 10 • Permalink
Random Girl: How's grading?
Ted: You just gotta make it fun, every time I see a grammatical error, I do a shot. Right now I'm smashed and I blame the public school system.
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Ted [to Robin]: I've seen barney try really hard to get women, I've seen barney try really hard to get rid of women, but I've never seen barney try so hard to keep a woman
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Ted: When you date someone it's like you're taking a class in them and when you break up it's like all that knowledge is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree
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Ted: Pop quiz. When robin is PMSing what kind of chocolate should youg et her?
Barney: Trick question. Get her butter scotch.
Ted: Correct. Why?
Barney: Butter scotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women
• Show: How I Met Your Mother • Rating: 8.0 / 10 • Permalink
Total Quotes: 279
