Ted [showing his tramp-stamp]: Say goodbye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer.Lily: Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?
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Robin: Wow. That makes me want to join a gym. So I can get super strong and punch you really hard in the face.
Ted: Yes, we should all do it.
Lily: Yeah. Let's all punch Barney in the face.
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Ted: I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap Deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?
Barney: Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness. But I don't work out there.
Ted: What do you do?
Barney: I invest
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Lily: Well guys, have fun.
Ted: Woah, this is gonna be a major cleanup.
Everyone [saluting]: Major Cleanup!
Marshall: Oh man, we're gonna be doing this all the time now, aren't we?
Robin: That's the general idea.
Everyone [saluting]: General Idea!
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Ted: So this hot new intern leans over my desk, I can totally see she has a pierce... Brosnan! Pierce Brosnan is my favorite of all the Bonds
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Barney: No way! March does not have 31 days!
Marshall: Yes it does! Everyone knows that. It's like general knowledge!
Ted & Robin [saluting]: General Knowledge!
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Ted: I mean, you got used to Lily's loud chewing, right?
Marshall:... Lily doesn't chew loudly.
Ted: Dude. This isn't news. Why do you think I call her Chewbacca?
Marshall: I suspect because she's loyal, wears shiny belts, and I resemble a young Harrison Ford
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Robin: Hey, can you hand me a Kleenex?
Ted: Actually, Kleenex is a brand. This is a facial tissue.
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[Ted is discussing his girlfriend Cathy]
Barney: Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I wanted to have sex with, Lucilia. On a white sand beach in Rio de Janiero, we made love for ten straight hours. When we were done, she applauded, and told me that I was far far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in god.
Ted: What does this have to do with Cathy?
Barney: Who's Cathy?
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Robin: I know what they were fighting about and it wasn't peanut butter.
Ted: I appreciate it, but there's a reason your name is Robin, not Batman.
Robin: They were fighting because they didn't get the loan and it's all Lily's fault.
Ted: What?
Robin: Yeah, she has a pile of debt the size of Mount... Rushmore.
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Total Quotes: 279
