Tobias Funke Quotes
Tobias: I find myself attracted to someone who is not my wife.
Michael: What's her name?
Tobias: Michael. ... Can you believe it?
Michael: I-I'm not interested in you that way.
Tobias: What way?
Michael: Pick one.
Lindsay: Well, you know, maybe I would be more attracted to you if you were in better shape. You know, if you were just more muscular and masculine. Does that make me shallow?
Tobias: No. I was going to say the same thing to you.
Lindsay: Well, why don't you just go to Dad and ask him who Nellie is, point-blank?
Michael: So, he can just cover it up and lie? I can't stand to hear one more lie out of this family.
Tobias: Oh, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.
Michael: Ok, but that's the last one.
Tobias: Oh, God, here she is.
Michael: Next to that guy?
Tobias: What guy?
Michael: That guy.
Tobias: No, that's her.
Michael: Him?
Tobias: That's a girl. I think the name "Michael" is making you look for a man.
Michael: I think I'm looking at a man.
Lindsay: Oh, you know what? I've already prepared a list of "won'ts."
Tobias: Oh, you're not going to believe this. My list is of "can'ts."
Michael: Marital love can be so romantic.
Tobias: Yes. Lindsay and I are planning a night of heterosexual intercourse.
Michael: You can just say intercourse.
Michael, look, this has got to stop. I mean, flattered? Yes. Interested? Not tonight.
George Sr.: Who's on the list? Any blabbers?
Michael: Well, they've got one guy who won't be talking. That is unless there's a hand inside of him.
Tobias: Oh, please, Michael. Even then, I wouldn't say anything.
George Sr.: He, she. What's the difference?
Tobias: Hear hear! In the dark, it's all the same.
Jan: You never heard anyone in your family discuss plans to either travel to Iraq or do business there?
Tobias: Well, I spent so much time making sweet love on my wife that it's hard to hear anything over the clatter of her breasts and --
Jan Your witness.
Michael: I have nothing.
Michael: My son expresses himself just fine. Isn't that right, son?
George Michael: What? Yeah ... fine. Uh, yes, I don't care. What's up?
Tobias: Yes, he's a regular Freddie Wilson, that one.
Michael: I don't know that reference.
Lindsay: I don't either.
Tobias: I don't know either.
Narrator: It's this guy. (an image of men dressed like the Village People is shown, with the "biker" highlighted)
