Tom: Is that bacon on your turkey leg?
Ron: They call it a Swanson.

Tom: Ron Corleone. This really attractive woman is my girlfriend, Lucy.
Ron: Hello, Lucy.
Lucy: Hi.
Ron: Whoa. Impressive handshake.
Lucy: Thanks. My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and communists. He hated both.
Ron: Well done, Tommy.

Donna: When we canceled on him, he took another gig in Eagleton. At a library.
Tom: That's literally the worst place I could imagine.

Tom: We had dinner last night and breakfast this morning. What were we doing in between? Sex stuff.
Lucy: You guys know Tom really well so I don't have to apologize for his behavior, right?

Sorry we're late. I had to wait on my girlfriend to finish eating breakfast.

Leslie: Is this a bad time?
Tom: Lucy's here, I'm in my sexy pajamas. I just took four Benadryls to dull my sensitivity. Yes.
Leslie: You're about to have sex.
Tom: Why else would Boyz II Men's "On Bended Knee" be playing right now.

Tom: We need to do something to distract from this... boring area. Now I didn't want to have to do this but we may have to go nude.
Ann: Goodbye, Tom.

Tom: In a million years, I never thought you'd be the problem with this photo shoot.
Ann: Didn't you just plan this like two hours ago?

Hey, if there's anyone out there that's doing a photo shoot about the dangers of eating undercooked chicken, I can give you Ann's phone number.

Tom: Come on, Ann, what are we doing? Maxim or Good Housekeeping?
Ann: I'm not sure which one is the insult.

The problem is I only have 15 penises, so, there would have been 28 girls who are really upset with me.

I'm reading this, and I'm like, how could they hurt those gorillas like that? They're such gentle, magnificent creatures. You know, I'm an animal lover, I don't know.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Just remember every time you look up at the moon, I too will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, that’s impossible.


Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!