Tom Haverford Quotes
Jessica: Where I come from, there's a saying: "What's done is done."
Leslie: That's a saying everywhere.
Tom: I've never heard it before and I think it's a great saying.
Yeah, Jessica's a gold digger. But I'm a gold digger, digger.
Jessica Wicks! Hey, boo. Are you aging in reverse? 'Cause you look barely legal.
Tom: Hold up. Former beauty queen Jessica Wicks?
Bill: Yes.
Tom: I'm Tom Haverford. I'm going to be running point on this, Bill.
Leslie: OK, so I have everything I need, right? I have a fresh cup of coffee, comfy fur-lined boots.
Tom: I'm going to need those boots back by the end of the day.
Leslie: Yeah, no problem. They're actually a little narrow for me.
An animal on the head, a manimal in the bed.
Hey, Jerry? April was just double checking the lunch order. Do you want the salmon or the twout?
Tom: This thing is a mess.
Carl: We used to have three cars actually. The first one got pushed into the creek by some kids. The second one raccoons got onto. There was urine everywhere. And the third one was recently stolen.
Tom: What's this one?
Carl: This is the second one. The raccoon piss one.
Carl: Oh you think you know how to do my job? You might not be so confident once you've walked a mile in my size 7s.
Leslie: Kinda small feet.
Tom: Actually 7 is the worldwide average.
Carl: Boom!
Tom: You went on a vacation and you chose Muncie, Indiana?
Jerry: My wife and I have a timeshare.
Tom: In Muncie?!
Leslie: Tom, Muncie is a lovely city.
Andy: Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. Act."
Tom: So, you weren't thinking?
Andy: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.
Tom: How long do you think it will take me to learn golf, Leslie?
Leslie: I could teach you. I have a 16 handicap. But, you know, it takes a lot of practice. You have to get up early, hit the range, practice reading greens.
Tom: Yeah I don't want to do all that. I'd say I just want some of those dope pants.
