I hate doing work, but I love being flattered. So maybe I’ll give it another try.

Despite what my pocket square says, I’m not a billionaire.

Tom: What is this, a rotten grapefruit?
Larry: No, it’s my dog’s rectum.

Please, Ron. I’ve never asked you for anything today.

This is the hardest I’ve ever worked on anything since…wow—I’ve never worked hard on anything! What a cool life!

Tom: You’re like a crazy volcano. You’ll have to bring it down a notch.
Craig: I’ll bring it down a dozen notches if I have to!

Tom: How bout I break you off some of that Ja Rule?
Student: Who’s Ja Rule?

Tom: Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question: is it a banger?

A straightforward deal! Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t have my straightforward deal fedora on me! We gotta stop at my storage unit!

Ben, stop! This is like listening to a Ted Talk by the color beige!

If all goes well, this might be one of the last times I get to speak to you.

I got you a going away present. I’m finally deleting you from my phone.