Parks and Recreation

Tom Haverford Quotes (Page 5)

Tom: Whenever Ron has sex, the next morning he comes in dressed like Tiger Woods. Oh god.
Lucy: What? Who is that?
Tom: That is my ex-wife.
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom: Is that bacon on your turkey leg?
Ron: They call it a Swanson.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Tom: Ron Corleone. This really attractive woman is my girlfriend, Lucy.
Ron: Hello, Lucy.
Lucy: Hi.
Ron: Whoa. Impressive handshake.
Lucy: Thanks. My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and communists. He hated both.
Ron: Well done, Tommy.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Donna: When we canceled on him, he took another gig in Eagleton. At a library.
Tom: That's literally the worst place I could imagine.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Tom: We had dinner last night and breakfast this morning. What were we doing in between? Sex stuff.
Lucy: You guys know Tom really well so I don't have to apologize for his behavior, right?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Tom: Sorry we're late. I had to wait on my girlfriend to finish eating breakfast.
 • Rating: Unrated

Leslie: Is this a bad time?
Tom: Lucy's here, I'm in my sexy pajamas. I just took four Benadryls to dull my sensitivity. Yes.
Leslie: You're about to have sex.
Tom: Why else would Boyz II Men's "On Bended Knee" be playing right now.
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom: The problem is I only have 15 penises, so, there would have been 28 girls who are really upset with me.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Tom: I'm reading this, and I'm like, how could they hurt those gorillas like that? They're such gentle, magnificent creatures. You know, I'm an animal lover, I don't know.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Tom: Ladies. Is there anything you desire at all? Besides me?
 • Rating: Unrated

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