Did I do basketball?

I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's husband and his friends.

The year is 2018. America is thriving under President Nick Cannon. And tomorrow, Chris Treagor is getting married.

Chris: To Tom Haverford! Wooo!
Tom: And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place.

Things magazine says it's the next big thing!

It's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because they're not flattering to my hands!

Much like women in 90's stand up comedy routines, Tommy be shoppin'.

If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.

Ben: What's your new company?
Tom: We specialize in making stacks on stacks on stacks on stacks.

I hate to say this, but sometimes you have to work a little so you can ball A LOT.

Parents, are you tired of watching your middle school aged children grow out of the nice clothes you buy them? Then rent them! From Rent A Swag! You rent it. You wear it. You clean it. You return it. I get rich!

I just want to hear the doctor say that Jerry had a fart attack! Is that so much to ask?