Lynette: Huh. That's weird.
Tom: What?
Lynette: I have an "Isn't that Ironic?" app that usually buzzes when people say stuff like that.

If you turn that paper over, you'll find a whole section of people willing to exchange money in exchange for something called work!

I hope you can forgive me for this. It would be a shame, a shame if some meaningless encounter 20 years ago ruined this life we've built together.

The only reason I didn't smoke in college was because I signed the abstinence pledge of my Dungeons and Dragons club.

Tom: I'm taking the necessary precautions.
Lynette: The necessary precautions being your own weight in cheese doodles?

Tom: So, Paris, Prague, Madrid... it sounds like you guys saw everything.
Lynette: But you still haven't told us how you two met.
Preston: Well, uh, the first time I saw Irina was on a beach in Nice.
Irina: It was, uh, how you say in english? The... (she gestures)
Tom: T-topless?
Irina: Yes!
Lynette: Oh, you really did see everything.

Tom: How could you forget her birthday?
Lynette: I'm pregnant. I forget pants sometimes.

Rick: I'm staying as long as Lynette wants me there. And make no mistake. She wants me there.
Tom: Oh, buddy. You're not thinking this thing through, because Lynette will never leave her family. So the best, and I mean the very best, that you can hope for is to catch her in a weak moment and leave a wound in her marriage that will take years to heal, but it will heal, because I will stand by her and I will love her just as hard as she hates herself for what she did. You still feel like sticking around?

Tom: Make sure you have your cell phone with you. When you're interviewing, I'll call, you can conference me in.
Lynette: (being ironic) That is a great idea!
(secretly taking the phone and letting Mrs. McCluskey in)
Lynette: (whispering) Hi, at some point Tom's going to ask you to look for this. You will not find it!

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