Lynette: Huh. That's weird.
Tom: What?
Lynette: I have an "Isn't that Ironic?" app that usually buzzes when people say stuff like that.

If you turn that paper over, you'll find a whole section of people willing to exchange money in exchange for something called work!

I hope you can forgive me for this. It would be a shame, a shame if some meaningless encounter 20 years ago ruined this life we've built together.

The only reason I didn't smoke in college was because I signed the abstinence pledge of my Dungeons and Dragons club.

Tom: I'm taking the necessary precautions.
Lynette: The necessary precautions being your own weight in cheese doodles?

Tom: So, Paris, Prague, Madrid... it sounds like you guys saw everything.
Lynette: But you still haven't told us how you two met.
Preston: Well, uh, the first time I saw Irina was on a beach in Nice.
Irina: It was, uh, how you say in english? The... (she gestures)
Tom: T-topless?
Irina: Yes!
Lynette: Oh, you really did see everything.

Tom: How could you forget her birthday?
Lynette: I'm pregnant. I forget pants sometimes.

Rick: I'm staying as long as Lynette wants me there. And make no mistake. She wants me there.
Tom: Oh, buddy. You're not thinking this thing through, because Lynette will never leave her family. So the best, and I mean the very best, that you can hope for is to catch her in a weak moment and leave a wound in her marriage that will take years to heal, but it will heal, because I will stand by her and I will love her just as hard as she hates herself for what she did. You still feel like sticking around?

Tom: (sweating) I need another pill and please tell the kids to turn down the TV.
Mrs. McCluskey: I yell, they turn it down. I walk away, they turn it up. Vicious circle.
Tom: Surely you can control five little kids.
Mrs. McCluskey: Can I beat them?
Tom: No!
Mrs. McCluskey: Then my hands are tied.

Tom: Make sure you have your cell phone with you. When you're interviewing, I'll call, you can conference me in.
Lynette: (being ironic) That is a great idea!
(secretly taking the phone and letting Mrs. McCluskey in)
Lynette: (whispering) Hi, at some point Tom's going to ask you to look for this. You will not find it!

Beer is on the house, guys. Drink fast, get stupid and lose money.

(The boys have gathered at Tom's restraurant when Ian walks in)
Mike: Hey, Ian.
Ian: Nice to see you Mike.
(Mike rolls his eyes at the other guys)
Carlos: What is fish'n'chips doing here?
Tom: Susan asked me to include him, she said he always wanted to learn how to play poker so we're gonna give him some very expensive lessons.
Mike: Be careful, he already knows how to bluff.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 71 in total

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

We all take the gift of life for granted, if only we could slow things down because before you knew it, the gift is gone.

Mary Alice
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