Tom Tucker Quotes
Tom Tucker: Good evening Quahog, I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up, with incumbent Adam West squaring off against challenger, Lois Griffin.
Tom Tucker: Which leads many political analysts to ask the question: Can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just menstruate all over the city? Stay with us.
- Permalink: Good evening Quahog, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Th...
Well, the election results are pouring in, and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one. Which reminds me Diane, when was the last time you--ah, forget it.
- Permalink: Well, the election results are pouring in, and it looks like it'...
Tom Tucker: In other Pseudo-Scientific news, a local man claims to have spotted Big Foot. We've got the exclusive interview.
RJ: I was about to bone my girlfriend out at the lake, but suddenly she yelled. So I looked up and was Big Foot.
Tom Tucker: So what happened next?
RJ: Then I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.
- Permalink: In other Pseudo-Scientific news, a local man claims to have spot...
Tom Tucker: In other news, former president Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual "Miss Cankle USA" contest.
(cuts to pageant, Bill is sitting in the audience, two heavy-set women are on the runway)
Bill Clinton: Now that's a cankle! Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows, that's the fun.
- Permalink: In other news, former president Bill Clinton was in town today t...
Tom Tucker: Channel 5 has this exclusive recording of a mayday communication from the cockpit.
Peter: (From recording) Uh, hello, ground people? Uh, we, we got a little problem up here. Uh, we need some help or we're gonna crash... So, uh, that being the case, um... is it cool if I shut off "Last Holiday?" It seems unfair that the last thing these people might see is a mediocre comedy featuring Queen Latifah on skis. (Laughing) Cleveland look, she just fell over! She can't stand up on those things.
- Permalink: Channel 5 has this exclusive recording of a mayday communication...
Tom Tucker: Some new developments on the Flight 209 trauma. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: I'm at the wrong airport!
Tom Tucker: Whoops, well thanks Ollie. Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet Chung King can land an anchorman in hot water.
- Permalink: Some new developments on the Flight 209 trauma. Recently dischar...
Tom Tucker: Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie?
- Permalink: Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you mak...
Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.
- Permalink: Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.
Tom Tucker: In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High.
Diane Simmons: That's right Tom, It appears that students have taken to having ear sex, in lieu of traditional intercourse.
Tom Tucker: Over two hundred reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, prompting a new slogan, "Once you go Black, you go deaf".
- Permalink: In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High....