Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

Peter: You're on TV, so I came to you for advice.
Tom Tucker: Peter, I'm flattered that you came to me and we'll be back after these messages...and we're back. Peter, if you want to control content, you'll have to start your own TV station.

Coming up next, A pig who refuses to eat jews? After this.

Tom: We go live with the local blind man. Sir, how did you suddenly summon the courage to save your friend from that burning building?
Peter: That freaking place was on fire?!
Tom: And there you have it. Coming up next, "Watch me shave."

In sadder news, the man who held the Guinness World Record for "Most Drugs Ever Done by a Single Human Being" died today; he was attacked by a pack of wild dogs he thought he saw.

Tom Tucker: And now over to Ollie Williams for the blackie punishment forecast, Ollie?
Ollie: HE GON' GET IT!
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie!

Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Handsome mustachioed man recaps news in pleasing baritone

Tom: Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything?
Stacy: Go to hell Tom.
Tom: Already there hon

Peter: That's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe.
Jake: Why won't you teach me how to wipe, dad?
Tom Tucker: Because you don't have a bottom, son.
Jake: Aw!

Jake [pointing to fat Peter]: What's that, daddy?
Tom Tucker: Why that's Mercury, Jake, the planet closest to the sun. Though what it's doing down here by the waterfront, I haven't the foggiest. We should probably ask a scientist...
Peter: I'm a guy, you jackass

Neil: Here's your coffee Mr Tucker.
Tom Tucker: What the hell is in this!
Neil: Sweet N' Low. That's for trying to steal my woman!
Tom Tucker: Go back and bring it to me with urine in it like I asked

School children washing cars to raise money for charity. Is there anything more arousing?

Diane: And reports indicate she has also consumed a record amount of seamen.
Tom: Well, that sounds like one powerful Hurricane, Diane

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 50 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley
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