First of all, the secret service never gave me back my t-shirt cannon.

Just because he'd run away and cause traffic accidents and impregnate neighbors' horses. He's trapped here just like me!

Get ready, son. All you've ever known is your affirmative action job and Queen Latifah Cover Girl commercials.

I've learned the word 'black' in every language, just so I know when to be offended.

It's like a black Barbie doll in Arizona! Nobody's buying it!

My addiction to prescription glasses! The fact that I suffer from attention deficit disor- Jack, your shoes are shiny!

Honey, I'm home! Pac-Man, I'm Jewish!

[on stalking] That's a real problem in the celebrity community. But if Beyonce would just answer one of my letters, I'd stop trying to break into her house.

Oh, I'm not offering. I'm just taking a survey to guage general interest.

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