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I gotta stop hanging out with her. She sounds like a chicken finger.

It's not a meteor; it's a cookie wand. Me and Jeff made it because it made you look more like the Cookie Crisp wizard, which is not even a reference I get because the Cookie Crisp mascot when I was growing up wasn't a wizard. It was a burglar.

You're more of a fun vampire. You don't suck blood, you just suck.

Oh my god, Pierce is going to be the only person ever to drown in a parking lot... twice.

I hope I get multiple personalities. I get lonely in long showers.

Shirley: I've never been a captain before.
Pierce: I have I commanded a jet ski through an electrical storm and only had one casualty.
Troy: Jet skis only hold two people.
Pierce: Exactly, I saved half the crew.

Shirley: I was going to sign up for a class to make an online dating profile, but sailing in the parking lot sounds less pathetic.
Troy: A black person on a sailboat? I gotta see this. I'm in.

A switch is a stick she can use to whoop you with. Cherish, Britta. Cherish.

Abed: I hate when they finish each other's...
Troy:... pies.

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