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Ooh, no-no juice!

Troy [on wine]

In what war is he a criminal? In the battle for our affections?!?

You mean Jeff 'Nipple Play' Winger? No! As you can see, we're still hanging out with him. Hi, how's it going, Jeff?

Troy: We like him a lot, so you're not allowed to bone him.
Jeff: You realize she's definitely gonna bone him now, right?

Troy: According to our polls, the campus is almost evenly divided. Now keep in mind, the margin of error on this thing is about 98%.
Abed: Could be higher. We don't even know how to do margins of error. We talked to two people at a vending machine.

Abed: For Greendale College Television, I'm Abed Nadir.
Troy: And I'm Troy "Butt Soup" Barnes. What? That's my name.

I live with that dude. He's got night terrors and a rotary phone.

I wanna go to rehab and compare penises with famous people.

Troy: Jeff, what do you do when you and your best friend want to ask the same girl to Valentine's Day but neither of you have dibs 'cause both of you fell in love with her at the first sight?
Jeff: Well, I don't believe in dibs, or love at first sight, or love, or best friends, or doing things, but it's good you brought this to me.

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