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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: The only reason to wear a hat on a date is to cover a bald spot.
Walden: Here you go, for your next date.

Walden: If I weren't here, would you be masturbating?
Alan: Are you kidding? I'd be done and fixing a sandwich.

If I had hope in one hand and poop in the other, guess which one would be full?

Alan: Does she have a magic vagina?
Walden: Like can you pull a rabbit out of it?

Dani: If you're not gay, whats the deal with Alan?
Walden: He claims to be straight, but his lips opened a little when I kissed him.

Walden: You know if he hooks up with you, he goes to jail.
Megan: I'd wait for him.

Walden: Can we get one of those fancy Japanese toilets that sprays water and sprays your tooshie.
Evelyn: With your money you can find an actual Japanese person to do it
Walden: See what you can find.

Walden: I'm not going sleep with your mother.
Alan: If I had a dime for every time i heard that, I'd have have $3.60. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it's 36 times.

Walden: How do I look?
Alan: Your face should be on gay money.

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