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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: Can i tell women it's mine?
Walden: Why would you stop now?

Walden: You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan: Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden: How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan: Years of yoga and loneliness.

Walden: Your son makes one heck of a wingman.
Jake: You make it easy boss.

Walden: Is he prone to mental breakdowns?
Berta: Prone? No. Eligible? Certainly.

Walden: We're talk songs, thongs, bongs and schlongs.
Alan: If he had an autobiography, that'd be the title.

Walden: I'm not going sleep with your mother.
Alan: If I had a dime for every time i heard that, I'd have have $3.60. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it's 36 times.

Walden: Can we get one of those fancy Japanese toilets that sprays water and sprays your tooshie.
Evelyn: With your money you can find an actual Japanese person to do it
Walden: See what you can find.

Walden: You know if he hooks up with you, he goes to jail.
Megan: I'd wait for him.

Dani: If you're not gay, whats the deal with Alan?
Walden: He claims to be straight, but his lips opened a little when I kissed him.

Alan: Does she have a magic vagina?
Walden: Like can you pull a rabbit out of it?

If I had hope in one hand and poop in the other, guess which one would be full?

Walden: If I weren't here, would you be masturbating?
Alan: Are you kidding? I'd be done and fixing a sandwich.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 50 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Lyndsey: Oh, God. You saw "Cinnamon's Buns?"
Charlie: Not all the way through. Though I'm very familiar with the bakery shop scene in the middle. You know, with the frosting gun?

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