Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: Does she have a magic vagina?
Walden: Like can you pull a rabbit out of it?

If I had hope in one hand and poop in the other, guess which one would be full?

Walden: If I weren't here, would you be masturbating?
Alan: Are you kidding? I'd be done and fixing a sandwich.

Alan: The only reason to wear a hat on a date is to cover a bald spot.
Walden: Here you go, for your next date.

Walden: How do I look?
Alan: Your face should be on gay money.

Displaying quotes 46 - 50 of 50 in total