Winston: There are parts of my butt that only a tub can clean.
Jess: Ew, but okay!

Winston: The phone?
Jess: I don't know...looks like a meth-head sandwich to me!

Winston: So nice to meet you, Mr. Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Can I sit on your shoulders?
Kareem: Sure!
Winston: Really?
Kareem: No!

There's nothing like the feel of a fire, a fresh baked cookie and the sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.

Winston: So that means you're gonna do whatever I say?
Schmidt: I mean as long as it's gangsta...or not. It doesn't have to be.

Winston: I wanted to talk to you about the regrettable contact between Cece's...her down there and my...parts.
Schmidt: You practically shish-kebabed her.

Schmidt: I'm gonna have sex tonight. Are you two in?
Winston: Is that the way you wanted to say that?

Nick, we will talk about this in the morning. But, first, I'm gonna go do stuff with a girl

I'll be back faster than you can say, "Damn, Winston, I took care of myself already."

Schmidt, I have to breathe because I am coaching you and also for regular life reasons.

Winston: Hey Schmidt, do you mind if I use the uh...manbulance?
Schmidt: The manbulance is resting. It's getting ready for the corporate retreat.
Winston: That's cool. I'm sure the mambulance couldn't handle all of Shelby's luggage anyway.
Schmidt: What the hell is wrong with you, Winston? It could fit the luggage of 9 Shelbys. It has the towing capacity of 1,000 Shelbys.

Winston: I'm gonna be strong for you, man. You know, I really did love Walt.
Nick: He was my dad, Winston.
Winston: Yeah, but he loved me more than he loved you. He told me that.
Nick: Yeah, he told me that too, actually.

New Girl Quotes

Schmidt: Are you in love with me? Because I'm in love with you, deeply. I assume that you would never because I messed this up so many times. You've made it very clear you only want to be friends with me and I value that friendship so much. So it I'm ruining it by doing any of this, please stop me.
Cece: Schmidt. I'm in love with you.

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick