Nobody's getting pregnant tonight!...That's the same thing I say on my dates.

Winston: Nick could be your lawyer.
Schmidt: This Nick? Vivica A. Dropout?

Girl, I got an obligation...at a...sandwich...meeting.

Nick: Men don't talk to people they've dated, unless they want sex, or they're Winston.
Winston: I also want sex.

Winston: So...where do you do the marketing?
Schmidt: Oh, Winston. So naive, so sweet. We do the marketing EVERYWHERE!

I was the ninth guy off the bench for the eighth-best team in Latvia.

Have I ever made any decisions in my whole life? Are we just living in the mind of a giant?

Schmidt: Camping?
Winston: Like we're animals?!

Winston: Friends don't call friends pathetic.
Nick: But what do friends do when the other friend is taking a shower with a cat?

Nick, you know what a squirrel looks like. You've been outside.

The internet said I had to stay off my feet. But then I found this wheelchair in a ditch, so...I'm ready to work out!

Coach: Remember when you sat out of the game because you were sad?
Winston: I was also cold.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt