I'm staying positive, but I'm pretty sure this is where we die.

I know you're lying, and I'm hurt, but I'm gonna eat this anyway

Prostitute: Aren't you a virgin, too?
Winston: Just my penis, baby. Just my penis.

Or we could break into a zoo, steal a bear, then we shoot the bear full of Hep C, we release that bear in the restaurant right as they're about to order dessert.

He doesn't steal pies from windowsills! He is a real-life homeless person!

Schmidt: Here are some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date--you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke, you have a problem with anger.
Winston: Your car is horrible.

Winston: I'm gonna be strong for you, man. You know, I really did love Walt.
Nick: He was my dad, Winston.
Winston: Yeah, but he loved me more than he loved you. He told me that.
Nick: Yeah, he told me that too, actually.

Schmidt, I have to breathe because I am coaching you and also for regular life reasons.

I'll be back faster than you can say, "Damn, Winston, I took care of myself already."

Nick, we will talk about this in the morning. But, first, I'm gonna go do stuff with a girl

Schmidt: I'm gonna have sex tonight. Are you two in?
Winston: Is that the way you wanted to say that?

Winston: I wanted to talk to you about the regrettable contact between Cece's...her down there and my...parts.
Schmidt: You practically shish-kebabed her.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Schmidt: Ahh! A spider!
Nick: Jess, why did you do that? You know how he gets, he turns into a cartoon elephant of yesteryear who just saw a mouse.