(talking about condoms) Russel: Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process. Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in? Russel: Well, sure, but they don't test every one. Charlie: They don't? Russel: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
Alan: Being a father is one of the greatest joys there is. Jake: Hey, Dad, where's the plunger? Alan: Uh, laundry room. Jake: Thanks. I over-wiped. Alan: No such thing, my son. (to Charlie) Where was I? Charlie: The joys of fatherhood. Alan: Right. (Charlie gives him a look) What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all!