Miley Cyrus. And the genital flapping dance known as twerking that makes men and women alike look like overgrown, constipated toddlers. This vulgar, sexually explicit excuse for a dance craze has brought American culture to a new low, and that's why tonight, western Ohio, I solemnly pledge to end the pandemic of twerking once and for all. Not only will I outlaw twerking at McKinley High, but I've submitted a bill to the Ohio State Legislature banning twerking in Ohio public schools. And Hannah Montana can go back to naked straddling the three-ton wrecking ball she was clearly upsold at Home Depot as the tiny cinder block room she's elected to demolish is only about 12 square feet and already has a wall missing.

This nation faces a far more insidious foe