Season 1, Episode 7: "Tracy Does Conan"
Jack: Tracy's feeling a lot better now. He's under a doctor's care.Conan: That's what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan: What's the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan: Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, red.
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Jack: Conan, Tracy's really excited to be back on your show.
Conan: I don't know. He's kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don't try to stab me.
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Season 1, Episode 6: "Jack Meets Dennis"
Jenna: You're back with Dennis?Liz: I'm back with Dennis... don't look at me with your eyebrows all up, it's so annoying.
Jenna: Oh, yes, I'm annoying. Not the man who honked your boobs on the Jumbo Screen.
Liz: That was before, and it was the playoffs.
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Liz: [to Cerie] So, these page numbers, when done correctly, should be sequential.
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Jack: Gosh, I hope you got a picture of that with a camera on your beeper.
Dennis: Actually, my beeper doesn't have a camera; but it does have a pedometer. Actually, not this one.
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Jack: You have to stuff your heart with steel wool and tin foil. You must be ruthless, you must be absolute. Remember always you are the exterminator, say it!
Liz: I am the exterminator!
Jack: Say it like you mean it!
Liz: I am the exterminator!
Jack: Louder!
Liz: [shouts] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Okay, not that loud. People are trying to work around here.
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Jack: Lemon, today is the first day of the rest of your life; and what is the first thing you need to do?
Liz: I have to break up with Dennis.
Jack: And if you don't break up with him now?
Liz: He'll just keep showing up at work to sell beepers; we'll just get more and more tangled up in each other's lives 'till I can't even get away and we're just like... Oh, my God!
Jack: That's right! He's the Rat King. And there's only one way to break up with a rat, you have to cut him off completely.
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Jack: So, how did it go.
Liz: He moved in with me.
Jack: Well, of course he did.
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Liz: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.
• Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Dennis: You know there are 17 million rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?
Jack: I think I read about that in The New Yorker... Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Total Quotes: 508
