Season 1, Episode 12: "Black Tie"
Jack: Just to know she's filled with bile over me warms my heart.• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Girl: Your name sounds Jewish. You must be important.
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Bianca: Congratulations John, she's much sharper than the other girl you had ... what was her name?
Jack: Beyonce.
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Jack: Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.
Liz: I'm twelve years younger than you.
Jack: A woman your age then.
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Liz: You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you?
Jenna: Oh, you're right, Liz! I should go for it!
Liz: You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.
Jenna: No, you're a good friend and thank you.
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Season 1, Episode 11: "The Head and the Hair"
The Head: I see you're lookin' at my watch.Liz: What?
The Head: It's cool, isn't it? That's a Japanese pie watch.
Liz: Oh, okay.
The Head: It tells time with those little pie pieces. Each piece is six minutes, so right now it's... six times four... 5:30? That can't be right.
Liz: My watch has these little hands that go around and point at numbers.
The Head: Hey, that's awesome possum.
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Jack: When I was your age, I was putting myself through college in Boston paddling swan boats for the tourists.
Kenneth: Is that a euphemism for some kind of sex worker?
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Liz: Ok, what's your game, friend?
Gray (The Hair): Game? There's no game. What are you talking about?
Liz: I don't have any money if that's what you're after. And I'm not one of those girls that does weird stuff in bed because they think they have to. If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that anymore. And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who's a cop so don't even try it.
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Jack: I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.
Kenneth: Thank you, sir!
Jack: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.
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Season 1, Episode 10: "The Rural Juror"
Tracy: I need a hundred thousand dollars, or I'm gonna lose both my houses.Jack: Tracy, I don't understand. You've starred in 14 films; you don't have any money saved?
Tracy: No, I lost all of it.
Jack: Really? Who's your money manager?
Tracy: Grizz.
Grizz: Worldcom, man. Worldcom.
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Total Quotes: 545
