Are you a TV Fanatic?
Sign up for our daily newsletter to receive personalized television news for free!
Jack: That's why I only date 20 year olds.
Dennis: Let me tell you about 20 year olds, half of them are 16.
- Permalink: That's why I only date 20 year olds. Let me tell you about 20 ...
Tracy: I want to hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror.
Frank: He's totally right.
- Permalink: I want to hold a mirror up to society and then win world record ...
Dennis: Look at this ski jumping idiot Bode Miller. What kind of a fruity name is Bode?
Liz: That cereal has the Olympics on it? It must be, like, eight months old.
Dennis: When you and me have kids we're going to give them good names like "Shannon" or "Rick."
Liz: When we what?
Dennis: When we have kids, Dummy.
- Permalink: Look at this ski jumping idiot Bode Miller. What kind of a fruit...
Liz: Why is there hair everywhere? Did you shave in the kitchen?
Dennis: The water in here is softer.
- Permalink: Why is there hair everywhere? Did you shave in the kitchen? Th...
Jack: I don't do these things just to drive you crazy, Lemon. I do them for the good of the show.
Liz: Well, I'm the one who always has to clean up the mess afterwards.
Jack: That's why my job is way better than yours.
- Permalink: I don't do these things just to drive you crazy, Lemon. I do the...
Liz: Why did you bump Jenna from Conan?
Jack: Because if I have a choice between an international movie star and a woman who does commercials for ShopRite...
Liz: No, no, no. Jenna doesn't do those commercials anymore. She got fired.
- Permalink: Why did you bump Jenna from Conan? Because if I have a choice ...
I am a stabbing robot.Tracy
- Permalink: I am a stabbing robot.
Frank: Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy: I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.
Tracy: Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: What was that?
Tracy: I was pooping in the ladies' room at The Ivy-
- Permalink: Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that gar...
Tracy: I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.
Toofer: Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we'll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy.
Pete: Maybe something about you and your wife.
Tracy: Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom
and do her hair. Then, I'll put on a ski mask...
- Permalink: I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to red...
I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan, and not the Minister Farrakhan you are thinking of.Tracy
- Permalink: I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by ...
Liz: Hi, I work with Tracy Jordan, and I think he's having a reaction to some of the medication you've put him on.
Dr. Spaceman: I was afraid this might happen. You know, he's on so many different neuroleptics and tricyclics that there's no telling how they'll mix. But, what can you do? Medicine's not a science.
Liz: What exactly are you treating him for?
Dr. Spaceman: There's not really a name for what Tracy has. Basically, it's erratic tendencies and delusions brought on by excessive notoriety, and certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments. Boy, I'm being awfully open with you, Miss. I should not have taken those blue things.
Liz: So, is he dangerous?
Dr. Spaceman: No, he should be fine; so long as you keep him away from bright lights, loud music, and crowds. You know, I'll call in a prescription for something to settle him down as soon as possible. Do you need anything for yourself?
Liz: What? No! Just where can I pick up Tracy's prescription?
- Permalink: Hi, I work with Tracy Jordan, and I think he's having a reaction...
Leo's an excellent physician and a pretty good dentist.Jack
- Permalink: Leo's an excellent physician and a pretty good dentist.