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[about Sully] You know what a great pilot would have done? Not hit the birds. That's what I do every day, not hit birds. Where's my ticket to the Grammys?


Yes, I wrote that! I write all the Fart Doctors!


I know. People wear flip flops to church, and the NBA tattoo situation is out of control.


You can't delude yourself into thinking you can combine them into one perfect woman, like a Smore you can take a shower with.


Do a sloppy job and they'll leave you alone. That's how I got out of foreplay with Angie ... and my taxes.


Our minds are already one, as our bodies soon shall be.


Fidelity, Paul. It's not just the name of a bank that sued me.


[to Nancy] I wanna take naps with you. I wanna watch you watching hockey. I wanna find long red strands of hair in my overcooked pot roast.


And he'll understand because he's my best friend comma beautiful hair category parentheses strong.


This is my dream come true! And to hear it from my best friend comma Bald category.


[to Jack] You look like a gay mortician in that suit.


Sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same thing. I read that on a tea bag.

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