KGB (Crenshaw): This may be old cliche, but... we have ways of making you talk.
Archer: What, your little go-kart battery?
KGB (Crenshaw): Golf cart.
Archer: Whatever. Would you pick an accent and stick with it?

Malory: Agent Performance: unsatisfactory.
Archer: Aw, com 'on. At worst that was "needs improvement."

Archer: Stop. Shut up. I have to go, and If I find one single dog hair when I get back, I'll... rub sand in your dead little eyes.
Woodhouse: Very good, Sir.
Archer: I also need you to go buy sand.
Woodhouse: Yes, Sir.
Archer: I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.

Archer: Hey, wanna smell something?
Receptionist: Swear to god Mr. Archer, I have H. R. on speed dial.

Com 'on twenty two black. Twenty two black. Twenty two... BLACK, ASS SON OF A BITCH! Uh..heh.. not you giant African man. I'm sorry, can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?

Oh please, Pam's as full of crap as she is of carbohydrates.

Malory

Do you want Ants? Because that is how you get ants!

Malory

Archer: Lying is like 95% of what I do.
Cyril: In your job?
Archer: Sure.

Archer: Oh my God! You killed a hooker!
Cyril: Call girl! She was a-
Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead they're just hookers!

I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you.

Hey com 'on, you know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. I love you Santa Clause. [sniff] I do.

It's like my brain's a tree and you're those little cookie elves.

Archer Quotes

KGB (Crenshaw): This may be old cliche, but... we have ways of making you talk.
Archer: What, your little go-kart battery?
KGB (Crenshaw): Golf cart.
Archer: Whatever. Would you pick an accent and stick with it?

It's like my brain's a tree and you're those little cookie elves.

Archer