Popular Archer Quotes
Archer: You said no dates!
Malory: I said no such thing.
Archer: Well, your mouth did.
Malory: Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy.
Archer: Um, phrasing.
Archer: What is that smell?
Malory: Gravlax and failure. I think Lana just Broke Torvald's Hand.
Lana: Thanks, no. I'm allergic to cat piss.
Malory: Well, what about the ground breaking work that Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS in our Applied Research Division?
Pam: Yeah, tell him about the sex robot.
Malory: Yes, the.. what?
Krieger: I call him Fister Roboto.
Lana: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Cyril: I find your mannish hands disturbing.
Pam: I find them kind of sexy.
Archer: Woodhouse! What are you doing?
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down sir.
Archer: What, at the table? Like people?
Cyril: Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.
Archer: Uh, hello. Herpes.
Cyril: You gave Lana herpes?!
Archer: So let me guess..
Lana: Yeah, who ever he is, he ghosted an ID file onto our world wide data base.
Archer: Yeah, which you probably found while researching me-
Archer: Lana, 'cause you're in the ah... Danger Zone!
You know what's dangerous? You're obsession with me. Seriously, Lana, call Kenny Loggins, 'cause you're in the Danger Zone.
Hey com 'on, you know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. I love you Santa Clause. [sniff] I do.
Com 'on twenty two black. Twenty two black. Twenty two... BLACK, ASS SON OF A BITCH! Uh..heh.. not you giant African man. I'm sorry, can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?
Malory: Agent Performance: unsatisfactory.
Archer: Aw, com 'on. At worst that was "needs improvement."