Archer

Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer
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Archer: What is that smell?
Malory: Gravlax and failure. I think Lana just Broke Torvald's Hand.
Archer: Truckasaurus.

Archer: You said no dates!
Malory: I said no such thing.
Archer: Well, your mouth did.
Malory: Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy.
Archer: Um, phrasing.

Caterer: Gravlax?
Lana: Thanks, no. I'm allergic to cat piss.

Malory: Well, what about the ground breaking work that Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS in our Applied Research Division?
Pam: Yeah, tell him about the sex robot.
Malory: Yes, the.. what?
Krieger: I call him Fister Roboto.

Lana: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Cyril: I find your mannish hands disturbing.
Pam: I find them kind of sexy.

Archer: Woodhouse! What are you doing?
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down sir.
Archer: What, at the table? Like people?

Archer: Oh my God! You killed a hooker!
Cyril: Call girl! She was a-
Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead they're just hookers!

Archer: Hey, wanna smell something?
Receptionist: Swear to god Mr. Archer, I have H. R. on speed dial.

Malory: We need a diversity hire.
Archer: I vote Asian chick!

Oh com 'on, Ruiz was a loose cannon. He played it fast and he played it loose, and in the end he got burned.

Archer: Lying is like 95% of what I do.
Cyril: In your job?
Archer: Sure.

Woodhouse: I'm afraid the lemur got into the pudding cups.
Archer: Yeah, like I told you he would, you idiot.

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 541 in total

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?

Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.