Archer

Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer
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Krenshaw: Jesus, Archer, you think this is a game?
Archer: No, I think Jenga's a game.

Do you want Ants? Because that is how you get ants!

Malory

Oh please, Pam's as full of crap as she is of carbohydrates.

Malory

Com 'on twenty two black. Twenty two black. Twenty two... BLACK, ASS SON OF A BITCH! Uh..heh.. not you giant African man. I'm sorry, can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?

Archer

Archer: Hey, wanna smell something?
Receptionist: Swear to god Mr. Archer, I have H. R. on speed dial.

Archer: Stop. Shut up. I have to go, and If I find one single dog hair when I get back, I'll... rub sand in your dead little eyes.
Woodhouse: Very good, Sir.
Archer: I also need you to go buy sand.
Woodhouse: Yes, Sir.
Archer: I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.

Malory: Agent Performance: unsatisfactory.
Archer: Aw, com 'on. At worst that was "needs improvement."

KGB (Crenshaw): This may be old cliche, but... we have ways of making you talk.
Archer: What, your little go-kart battery?
KGB (Crenshaw): Golf cart.
Archer: Whatever. Would you pick an accent and stick with it?

It's like my brain's a tree and you're those little cookie elves.

Archer
Displaying all 9 quotes

Archer Season 1 Episode 1 Quotes

KGB (Crenshaw): This may be old cliche, but... we have ways of making you talk.
Archer: What, your little go-kart battery?
KGB (Crenshaw): Golf cart.
Archer: Whatever. Would you pick an accent and stick with it?

It's like my brain's a tree and you're those little cookie elves.

Archer