Cheryl: Let me guess, you're all butthurt because you hired some Pakistani dude to shoot you so you went to Vegas and now you're drunk and broke outside a casino and you want me to wire a $1000 to buy you a plane ticket and a pre-flight whore.
Archer: Ok, I'm gonna list everything you said that's totally wrong. A) I'm not outside a casino so.......

Guys, come on. Can't we have one poker night without a hate crime?


Cyril: And basically the only thing that keeps you from murdering each other is a lack of access to fire arms.
Pam: Works for Canada.
Cheryl: Nothing works for Canada.

Slater: Hang on, go back. You speak Urdu?
Archer: Huh? Oh, no, no, just that one phrase.
Farouk: The only phrase you know in Urdu is "No shit, you goat-raping pig devil."
Archer: What?! I thought it meant "I'm sorry." Huh, probably why that night in Karachi went from pretty bad to much worse.
Slater: I'm gonna stop you there.
Archer: Probably someone should. There's a baby.

Archer: Lana, go. AJ's in good hands. I know what I'm doing. I've read 10 of the Babysitter's Club books.
Lana: Really?
Archer: Yeah, I'm totally a Christie with maybe like a dash of Claudia.

Lana: Have you at least babyproofed this place?
Archer: I don't think a baby can hurt anything.

Lana, it's cashmere. There are rules. Sorry. I didn't know

Archer: Cyril, let's get that sweater vest off buddy
Cyril: I'm sorry?
Archer: I know! Nobody makes you wear them.

(to Archer) You want a drink, (to Lana) you want to lecture us, (to Pam) you want more bear claws, (to Ray), you want to smoke (to Cyril) you want to masturbate, and (to Krieger) you're scared that we'll figure you you're actually just a Krieger clone


Archer: Come on cyborg. RD2 it.
Ray: R2D2 it?
Archer: Yeah, probe around in there and whatever, shut down the tractor beam.
Ray: With what, my dick?
Archer: I....however you normally do it
Ray: I don't normally do it!
Archer: I know but this is an emergency.

Cheryl: I have an idea!
Archer: OK wait. Does it have anything to do with our current situation?
Cheryl: Yes!
Archer: OK, what is it?
Cheryl: We are stuck in an elevator?
Cyril: The idea! Not our current situation!

Pam: Psst, Cyril rub one out.
Cyril: I do NOT want to masturbate
Pam: Not even after that (referencing Ray and Lana wrestling)

Archer Quotes

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?

Archer: In case you haven't noticed, this place is crawling with rebels.
Pam: And not the good kind you get drunk with at Myrtle Beach, and cruise the strip in the bed of their monster truck with a big rebel flag on it.