Archer

Archer Season 1 Quotes (Page 3)

Season 1 Episode 5: "Honeypot"

Malory: Jesus, God, Sterling... School girls?!
Archer: Those are just costumes.
Malory: And I suppose that makes it better?
Archer: Doesn't it?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 4: "Killing Utne"

Malory: (to Sterling) Keep that tramp date of yours out of my Medicine-Cabnit! One more dead body in here and that Bitch Trudy Beekman will have me right back in front of the Co-op Board!
Sterling: (shakes head) You just can't get along with your neighbours anywhere can you?
Malory: Who can get along with a woman who wallpapers her guest bathroom with Vintage New Yorker covers?!
 • Rating: Unrated

Malory: But they were blanks, weren't they?
Archer: Uhhh, only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: Woodhouse! What are you doing?
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down sir.
Archer: What, at the table? Like people?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lana: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Cyril: I find your mannish hands disturbing.
Pam: I find them kind of sexy.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Malory: Well, what about the ground breaking work that Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS in our Applied Research Division?
Pam: Yeah, tell him about the sex robot.
Malory: Yes, the.. what?
Krieger: I call him Fister Roboto.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Caterer: Gravlax?
Lana: Thanks, no. I'm allergic to cat piss.
 • Rating: Unrated

Archer: You said no dates!
Malory: I said no such thing.
Archer: Well, your mouth did.
Malory: Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy.
Archer: Um, phrasing.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: What is that smell?
Malory: Gravlax and failure. I think Lana just Broke Torvald's Hand.
Archer: Truckasaurus.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 3: "Diversity Hire"

Archer: So let me guess..
Lana: Yeah, who ever he is, he ghosted an ID file onto our world wide data base.
Archer: Yeah, which you probably found while researching me-
Lana: [Sigh]
Archer: Lana, 'cause you're in the ah... Danger Zone!
 • Rating: Unrated

Archer: You know what's dangerous? You're obsession with me. Seriously, Lana, call Kenny Loggins, 'cause you're in the Danger Zone.
 • Rating: 4.4 / 5.0

Lana: I think Conway is totally up to something.
Archer: Duh! You think I'm an idiot? I know he wants to marry mother and have her cut me out of the will. Which is why I'm going to kill him.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Conway: I've tracked him to South Beach where he's arranged to sell the plans to Cuban Naval Intelligence. If that happens, undetectable Cuban missile subs can be parked right off Miami beach.
Malory: Ugh. Just what Miami needs, more Cubans.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Lana: A non-circumcised Jewish guy, that's not weird to you?
Archer: No. Why would... I mean, I'm not Jewish, and I am circumcised so it can happen the other-
Lana: It doesn't work like that.
Archer: Lana come on. I think we both know it works fine.
Lana: Aw, come on! Not your d**k, dumb ass!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: See that! He was putting on his pants and I stopped him. So you just watch your step Mr.... damn it.
Conway: Hey right there, what you should have gone with, was Sammy Gayvis Jr.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Malory: We need a diversity hire.
Archer: I vote Asian chick!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: Oh com 'on, Ruiz was a loose cannon. He played it fast and he played it loose, and in the end he got burned.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Archer: You're black...ish.
Lana: Ish!?
Archer: Well what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said quadroon!
Lana: (sarcastic) Imagine that!!
Archer: You imagine it!
Malory: BOTH OF YOU IMAGINE SHUTTING UP!!!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 2: "Training Day"

Cyril: Hey, will I get to learn Karate?
Archer: Karate: the Dane Cook of martial arts? No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga. We got an ex-Mossad guy who comes in on Thursdays.
Cyril: Neato.
Archer: Yeah. Tuesdays he comes in for a really rigorous spin class.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Cheryl: Beep beep beep.
Pam: Oh, your giving me the truck noise, Karen Carpenter stunt double?
Cheryl: I'm sorry, I thought you were walking backwards.
 • Rating: Unrated

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