Archer

Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer
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Is this some sort of viral marketing? Or are you asking me specifically if I have a penis?

Ramon

Because how hard is it to poach a god damn egg properly? Seriously, that's like eggs 101 Woodhouse.

Archer: Woah woah woah, I thought nobody else was supposed to know about this.
Malory: He won't remember.
Krieger: Yeah, no... I'm... I am shitfaced.

Archer: You know, when I was little I used to pretend you weren't my mother.
Malory: Me too.

Woodhouse: I'm afraid the lemur got into the pudding cups.
Archer: Yeah, like I told you he would, you idiot.

Malory: Jesus, God, Sterling... School girls?!
Archer: Those are just costumes.
Malory: And I suppose that makes it better?
Archer: Doesn't it?

Malory: (to Sterling) Keep that tramp date of yours out of my Medicine-Cabnit! One more dead body in here and that Bitch Trudy Beekman will have me right back in front of the Co-op Board!
Sterling: (shakes head) You just can't get along with your neighbours anywhere can you?
Malory: Who can get along with a woman who wallpapers her guest bathroom with Vintage New Yorker covers?!

Malory: But they were blanks, weren't they?
Archer: Uhhh, only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.

Archer: Woodhouse! What are you doing?
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down sir.
Archer: What, at the table? Like people?

Lana: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Cyril: I find your mannish hands disturbing.
Pam: I find them kind of sexy.

Malory: Well, what about the ground breaking work that Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS in our Applied Research Division?
Pam: Yeah, tell him about the sex robot.
Malory: Yes, the.. what?
Krieger: I call him Fister Roboto.

Caterer: Gravlax?
Lana: Thanks, no. I'm allergic to cat piss.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 75 in total

Archer Season 1 Quotes

(Learning him and Lana have to share a one bed room)
Archer: Lana, lana, lana, lana (Shouts) LANNNNNAAAAAAA!!
Lana: WHAT!!!?
Archer: (snickers) Danger Zone....

KGB (Crenshaw): This may be old cliche, but... we have ways of making you talk.
Archer: What, your little go-kart battery?
KGB (Crenshaw): Golf cart.
Archer: Whatever. Would you pick an accent and stick with it?

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