Did you watch Regis this morning?

You know there is probably something I should learn from this but I... AWWW SHIT MY RUG!

Sterling Archer

Archer: Why the hell are you crying?
Krieger: That was my van.

One for three off the roof, bitch!


Barry: Besides sodomizing my ex-fiancee...
Archer: Only by the strictest legal definition.

If I stop drinking all at once, I'm afraid the cumulative hangover will kill me.

Lana: Dude, this van is like rolling probable cause.
Malory: All ashore from the S.S. Date Rape.
Ray: Toot, Toot!

Does Canada even have a spy agency?

Do you like to travel? Because if you don't find that bag, I will empty the entire contents of your body and use your leathery skin as a replacement.

On your knees, hands behind your head, and toss out that weapon! But not in that order.


Archer: You swallowed a pool ball?
Pam: I wish just one and I still got two to go.

Archer: I don't need a doctor, Katya doesn't have VD!
Malory: You haven't had sex with her?

Archer Season 2 Quotes

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?

Archer: Pam, wait up! Get me drunk enough and i might have sex with you
Pam: Really?
Archer: No. It's a catch-22. The amount of alcohol I would need would literally kill me. But I do want to see how many pool balls you can stick in your mouth.
Pam: My record's three.