Archer

Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer
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Did you watch Regis this morning?

You know there is probably something I should learn from this but I... AWWW SHIT MY RUG!

Sterling Archer

Archer: Why the hell are you crying?
Krieger: That was my van.

One for three off the roof, bitch!

Barry

Barry: Besides sodomizing my ex-fiancee...
Archer: Only by the strictest legal definition.

If I stop drinking all at once, I'm afraid the cumulative hangover will kill me.

Lana: Dude, this van is like rolling probable cause.
Malory: All ashore from the S.S. Date Rape.
Ray: Toot, Toot!

Does Canada even have a spy agency?

Do you like to travel? Because if you don't find that bag, I will empty the entire contents of your body and use your leathery skin as a replacement.

On your knees, hands behind your head, and toss out that weapon! But not in that order.

Lana

Archer: You swallowed a pool ball?
Pam: I wish just one and I still got two to go.

Archer: I don't need a doctor, Katya doesn't have VD!
Malory: You haven't had sex with her?

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 162 in total

Archer Season 2 Quotes

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?

Lana: What's your third biggest fear?
Archer: Brain aneurysm.
Lana: What's a brain aneurysm have to do with walking around in a swamp?
Archer: Nothing, it can happen anywhere at anytime, that's what makes it so terrifying.