Gob: Lie to her. Tell her that I'm insensitive and unreliable.
Michael: Maybe something about how you can never confront people and you need someone else to clean up your messes.
Gob: See, that's great ... And that's just off the top of your head.

I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

Lindsay

Narrator: And Michael tried to find the money the accountant said was missing.
George Sr.: I don't know. I probably stole it. I mean, if he says it's missing, it is. Unless he stole it. Hey, maybe he stole it.
Michael: He's the one who said it's missing.
George Sr.: Yeah, I probably stole it.

Michael: Let me tell you something. You may not be a father, but you are my brother.
Gob: I might be a father.

Buster: Where'd Annyong get that juice box?
Annyong: Annyong.
Lucille: Those are for his soccer team. No sugar for you. You just get more awful.

George Sr.: Gilligan has promised me that all this money will be safe in IRAs.
Ira Gilligan: It's Ira, sir.
George Sr.: Oh, I'm sorry, Gilligan. Will be safe in Ira's.

Narrator: And Michael arrived home determined to prove that he was, in fact, fun.
Michael: I just booked us a little fishing trip.
George Michael: Why, what did I do?

This family is not about to start using. We are pushers, not takers.

Tobias

Michael: I thought Zenotab was supposed to make everything a little bit better.
Lindsay: For fifteen minutes. Then, it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell.

Gilligan killed the skipper ... stripper!

Gob

Gob: Yeah, I think that they're going to know that Annyong's not your --
Annyong: Annyong.
Gob: Would somebody please tell this insufferable child ... to ... God!

George Sr.: What are you doing firing Kitty? You can't fire Kitty. First of all, you don't have hiring and firing power.
Michael: I do, and I had to... She's crazy.
George Sr.: Well, that's why you don't fire her. You don't fire crazy. You never fire crazy.

Arrested Development Season 1 Quotes

(Regarding Buster) Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her 'miracle baby'. And I-I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So... He turned out a little soft, you know...

George Sr.

Maggie: Did you ever see him return from these trips with anything unusual?
Buster: He once came back once with a black statue with an erect penis. It stayed in our living room until my aunt objected.