Gob: Lie to her. Tell her that I'm insensitive and unreliable.
Michael: Maybe something about how you can never confront people and you need someone else to clean up your messes.
Gob: See, that's great ... And that's just off the top of your head.

I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

Lindsay

Narrator: And Michael tried to find the money the accountant said was missing.
George Sr.: I don't know. I probably stole it. I mean, if he says it's missing, it is. Unless he stole it. Hey, maybe he stole it.
Michael: He's the one who said it's missing.
George Sr.: Yeah, I probably stole it.

Michael: Let me tell you something. You may not be a father, but you are my brother.
Gob: I might be a father.

Buster: Where'd Annyong get that juice box?
Annyong: Annyong.
Lucille: Those are for his soccer team. No sugar for you. You just get more awful.

George Sr.: Gilligan has promised me that all this money will be safe in IRAs.
Ira Gilligan: It's Ira, sir.
George Sr.: Oh, I'm sorry, Gilligan. Will be safe in Ira's.

Narrator: And Michael arrived home determined to prove that he was, in fact, fun.
Michael: I just booked us a little fishing trip.
George Michael: Why, what did I do?

This family is not about to start using. We are pushers, not takers.

Tobias

Michael: I thought Zenotab was supposed to make everything a little bit better.
Lindsay: For fifteen minutes. Then, it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell.

Gilligan killed the skipper ... stripper!

Gob

Gob: Yeah, I think that they're going to know that Annyong's not your --
Annyong: Annyong.
Gob: Would somebody please tell this insufferable child ... to ... God!

George Sr.: What are you doing firing Kitty? You can't fire Kitty. First of all, you don't have hiring and firing power.
Michael: I do, and I had to... She's crazy.
George Sr.: Well, that's why you don't fire her. You don't fire crazy. You never fire crazy.

Arrested Development Season 1 Quotes

Lindsay: No, Michael, I don't just sleep all day.
Narrator: Actually, Lindsay was so upset at Michael that she tried meditating to calm herself but ended up taking a two-hour angry nap.

Maeby: You don't have to worry so much. I mean, obviously your dad doesn't want to spend time with you, but, you know, go to the beach or whatever.
George Michael: He's just not around, ok?
Annyong: He no have father? Old lady adopt him, too?
Maeby: No, he have father. Father no love him.