(to Lucille) You lied to me! You said my father was my father, but my uncle is my father. My father is my uncle!

Buster

Could we stop worrying about girls with low self-esteem and start focusing on sobering up the woman who gave us ours?

Michael

Lucille: I've been drinking since before you were born. So if alcohol is the reason I'm here, I got news for you, bub: it's the only reason you're here too.
Michael: Hey, you're mean sober too.

Gob: Well, gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at spring break would be mom.
Buster: She's better looking than the whores you date!
Gob: Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster: Mom still got it!
Gob: I don't date whores!
Lindsay: Stop it! Stop it! This objectification of women has to stop!
Michael: It's just mom and whores.

Lindsay: This pig, Phillip Litt is out there asking girls to take their tops off...it's an outrage.
Gob: Ha, well of course you feel that way, you're jealous; you're a surfboard...but I do agree he is a pig...

Wait. Cut. We got a surfboard in the shot.

Phillip Lit

Do you have any other response to 'here's your banana with nuts'?

Maeby

(referring to George Sr.'s specimens) There was 250 CCs of your father in that banana stand!

Lucille

Lucille: I'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to get drunk by 1 o' clock.
Narrator: As it turns out, she had gotten up early and had taken pain medication because of a hangover-related headache. However, she mistook the drowsy-eye/alcohol warning for a winking-eye alcohol suggestion.

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