Better Off Ted Season 1 Episode 11: "Father, Can You Hair Me?" Quotes
Linda: Uh, Mr. Palmer, I'm Linda. I-I'm, a friend of your dau... well, no really a friend of your daughter's. More of a colleague. No, I'm definitely not a colleague. We're not equals in any way. I guess if you forced me to define the relationship...
Elijah: Young lady, are you aware that I have only one year to live?
While Lem and Phil are looking for a more permanent solution, I'm just trying to keep my office from looking like a girl I used to date. It's a long story, but yes, she looked like a desk with hair
Ted
Veronica, you need to spend time with him, do father-daughter things that don't involve stealing secrets. Instead, steal his heart, fill it with love and then give it back. But not literally. That would be murder
Linda
Veronica: What is this, Dutch blend? I hate Dutch blend. And the Dutch, too. Those people are lunatics, with their wooden shoes and their fatty sausage.
Linda: What about your father?
Veronica: I don't know how he feels about the Dutch. You'll have to ask him
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Commercial
We are not mad scientists, Ted, regardless of what our bowling shirts might say.
Lem
Veronica: So obviously that whale thing is a winner, or you wouldn't be telling me it's a loser.
Elijah: Unless it's really a loser, and I'm pretending it's a loser to make you think it's a winner.
Veronica: Or I'm pretending to think it's a winner, when I actually know it's a loser because you said it's a loser to make me think it's a winner.
Elijah: And so... the student becomes the master.
Veronica: Or the student has always been the master, and just wanted the master to think the master was the master when he was actually just the student.
Elijah: These conversations are why your mother left us.
Veronica: That, and the fact you porked my way through my sorority
Lem: But what about protocol?
Ted: Forget protocol. Did Einstein stop to fill out paperwork before discovering his Theory of Relativity?
Phil: Actually, he was a patent clerk, so all he did was fill out paperwork
My father and I hardly speak. We are like oil and... what's that thing that's always disappointing oil? Oh, yeah, it's me
Ted
Veronica: Ooh, flowers.
Ted: Look at you, having a girlie moment.
Veronica: Crap on a cracker!
Ted: And she's back.
Ted, you don't have to go through all this. Just say the word and the election's her's. We did for Iceland and we can do it for your kid
Veronica
Ted: Veronica, quick question.
Veronica: What is it with everyone and their questions this morning? Where'd you learn to drive? Will you marry me? Why'd you say that to my baby?
