Better Off Ted

Tuesdays 8:30 PM on ABC

Better Off Ted "Get Happy" Quotes

Veronica: Another time, another place. Two other people, it could have been magniflorious.
Phil: You mean that?
Veronica: I do. Particularly the part about two other people
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Veronica: And the next time some survey asks how happy you are, you check "very," or I'll give you something to be happy about.
Ted: I'm not sure that makes any...
Veronica: The hair is up. That's all they hear
• Rating: Unrated

Phil: My wife says I wouldn't know comedy if it ripped my face off.
Veronica: Good for you for having a wife
• Rating: Unrated

Lem: I'm sorry, but when I hear an undeserved compliment it makes my ears want to throw up.
Phil: Oh, your ears are always throwing up about something
• Rating: Unrated

Ted: Veronica and her hair were working hard on the company's campaign to improve morale. They both put on a good front, but one of them was feeling frustrated and the other was feeling dry and flaky
• Rating: Unrated

Linda: I just made three new friends. Maybe I was wrong about the cubicle themes. For the first time since I've been here, I actually feel like I'm part of something.
Ted: Glad to hear it. I have to go to a strip club tomorrow with a bunch of old men.
Linda: Wow. What theme did the company give you?
• Rating: Unrated

Manny: Ted, you're so put together. It's like you stepped out of a magazine. Didn't you ever get a mustard stain on your shirt, or a hooker's vomit on your pants?
Ted: Well, I did do one of those things when I was twelve at a baseball game. I won't tell you which one it is, but it was the game of my life
• Rating: Unrated

Ted: Look, the company does all sorts of crazy things. That doesn't mean we have to be crazy, too. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go seduce a 55-year-old man
• Rating: Unrated

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• Rating: 4.9 / 5.0